Praying for strong blood

God, I wish I could share some of my blood with Ashley. I know so many people that would, no questions asked. It seems so unfair that we can't help make her healthy by giving of our own health. So I'm sitting here, thinking health-giving thoughts. Strong blood. Lot's of healthy white cells to fight infections and protect Ashley. Healing light and warmth traveling through her body, radiating joy and healing and shrinking all that doesn't bring goodness and life.

Thank you, God, for a vision of Ashley in full recovery, healthy and strong. We pray as her friends and family and as your children who share this fragile life on earth with her. We hold Ashley in your light. Amen.

CH News Article, Responses

The article about Ashley's cancer came out today in the CH News. I've been holding my breath, shy about writing my prayers as I worried about what strangers might think about my faith, my motives, etc. Then on Wednesday I called the editor and asked that they take out the references to this blog. I felt that it would be such an invasion of Ashley's privacy, for everybody and anybody to read our prayers. Maybe it was more my own feeling of inadequacy. I hope not. Now, reading some of the emails I've received, I'm not so sure I should have kept this prayer blog private. There is a whole community out there fighting cancer and struggling, and they are doing it with courage and grace and love.
From Illinois I got this email:

Hi Maria,

As the husband of a woman who has worked through two bouts of treatment for
ovarian cancer, I set up a Google search on new treatments for the disease.
Can't say there's been much breakthrough news the last 4 years, but I keep
looking.

Your story on your friend Ashley did show up in my inbox, however. Thanks
for communicating some of the challenges and pain in treating this disease.
I am sorry she is fighting cancer in other areas of her body. We had some
move into the abdominal cavity and treated it with interperitoneal
chemotherapy, which was rough.

Last fall when my wife's cancer returned after a year it was most shocking,
and it cost her emotionally in many ways. But we went after it again. So far
it has not returned. But we hold our breath every appointment.

Obviously we've been changed too. You are right about looking into the
future. It can be tough.

But the present has enough challenges. Here's a little prayer that you can
continue to meet them together.


Christopher L. Cudworth
367 Republic Road
Batavia, IL 60510
Cudworthfix@gmail.com

I've also heard from folks in Durham and Chatham, some know Ashley, some don't. They ALL wish her healing and peace. As the Moravians say, they're holding her in the Light.

God, Thank you for our common humanity and for a glimpse at what is good in people. Thank you for Thanksgiving and the amazing joy that Ashley's family brought to Chapel Hill. Thank you for letting me get acquainted with Laura's beautiful singing and sense of humor and Katie's patience and loving care for her siblings. Thank you for Joe and his beautiful manners and eagerness to help and be useful. Thanks for Keaton and Jesse. Thanks for Sunny and her joy and laughter. Your love was everywhere, God. It filled the space between us and warmed us and blessed our fellowship. Maybe your love was in our fellowship, and that's why we felt your presence. Did you laugh at our jokes and enjoy our music? Thanks for music and laughter.

God, we need a miracle of healing and we're asking for it today. In the name of our love and joy, and in the name of Jesus, our guide and healer, we pray for every cancer cell in Ashley's body to respond to the chemotherapies, past or yet to come. We pray for complete cleansing of Ashley's lungs. Because we love her and we know the world is better for her being in it, we ask boldly. May it be so. Amen.

Prayers from Phoenix, more saints

God, thanks for another birthday. Thanks that I got to celebrate it in a new place in a new way. It made me start with no expectations, so everything was "bonus." Thank you for the mariachis that serenaded me and for the cake my students bought me. Thank you that I can look at my family from a distance and realize how much I love them and miss them and how small the aggravations are. Thank you for the beautiful birthday song Mike sent me and all the work he put into it. Forgive me for first looking at the time of the email and thinking "he should have been sleeping!" instead of "thank you for the love that kept him up." How can I be thankful when I worry so much? When I do this, help me transcend the worry and focus, like Ashley, on breathing and honoring the day.

Thank you God, that Ashley is taking care of herself. Thank you that she is willing to love herself enough to rest, eat the right things, set some boundaries. Help me learn from her to honor the life enough that I treat my body with respect and do everything possible to live each day as a gift.

God, thanks for the gift of the church universal. [I was walking to the hotel yesterday when the noon time bells of a church started ringing. I found myself only a block from my hotel, in the middle of modern, tall buildings, staring at a little adobe church that looked like it had come out of a postcard. I climbed up the steps to find myself in the first Catholic church built in Arizona as people were coming in to mass. All types of downtown folks, from business guys to construction workers.] God, I guess you know there is construction everywhere in this beautiful, sunny city. Please don't let us ruin your creation with sprawl. [It was a regular mass, but the Italian-American priest that sang the mass was celebrating the day of St. Frances Cabrini, the first US saint. She is my birthday saint! And what a woman. She refused to "go home" when the Bishop of NY told her to, and she started 67 institutions, from orphanages to hospitals.] God, you've had amazing women working for justice for many centuries. I can't get over this perfect birthday gift to remind me of strong women across the ages, defying authority and doing good regardless of the support or lack thereof of their superiors.

God, thanks that Ashley is in such good company as she tries to right society's wrongs. Thanks that we are in the company of strong women, saints that have come before and saints that walk with us. Bless them. Bless us. Bless Ashley with a good day of improving health. Restore her strength and give her a day of laughter and joy.

Thank you for Benji and The Laramie Project. Thank you that he has a teacher that cares enough to put on this transformational show. Bless Ashley and Al tonight when they watch it and the whole audience. Move them, move us, to work each day to eradicate hatred from your world.
I pray today in the company of all the strong women who have served you, and in the name of Jesus, our healer, comforter, and strength. Amen.

Leaving for Phoenix

I'm about to leave the office. 17 students are loading the van and my car for our ride to the airport, and my chest is so tight I can hardly breathe. The first time I took a "business trip" after coming to G'boro to work, I was panicked. Ashley, you helped me write my will. I remember Cristobal was going to take care of everyone if something happened to Mike and me. Of course we were fine. But I hate leaving everyone. Ash, take care. I love you. I'll be praying up in the clouds as we travel and even during the long, boring conferences. If we get to the Grand Canyon I'll pray for you to the awesome God that made it.

God, take care of Ash. Take care of my family. Bless each of them and grant them peace and wisdom and love. Let them know I'm thinking of them long-distance. Amen

A prayer in the midst of disappointment

Thank you, God, for the good stuff that has happened today. For Sunny's piano playing and for the noodles we shared on Franklin Street. Thank you that Ashley has so many shoulders to cry on and people who love her and will be praying for her through her newest challenge.

God, after the beautiful Obama win, the bad news of Ashley's tumor growing seems very unfair. Why couldn't we just turn our attention now to helping bring about justice and good?

Help Ashley to have the wisdom she needs to make decisions about her care. We can't know for sure what will work, but help her build on the trust she has for her doctor to come up with the best route. And give us the wisdom we need to support her through this time. Bless Al and Sunny. Amen

Election Day

I'm praying for an Obama landslide. I'm also aware that there are all kinds of people praying for completely different results. I remember when Dukakis was the candidate and Cristobal was a little boy. When the Republicans won, he cried. "How could they not vote for Michael Dukakis? Don't they know he speaks Spanish and he belongs to the ACLU?" he asked. I had to explain to Cristobal that while those were some of the reasons we were voting for him, for many people those were reasons not to vote for Democrats. Then we all cried. We were living in West Virginia, and it was a lonely feeling watching many of our neighbors celebrate, although our music minister made a pastoral visit and confessed to us that he was a "closet democrat."

I believe that there are good and holy prayers and then there is voiced hatred and fear. Probably on both sides. I've caught myself wishing ugly things. Then I ask God to forgive my flights of fantasy and help me to have the wisdom that could help people catch a vision of what this country could become. How close can we come to MLK's dream? To the beloved community?

On the way to work this morning I saw a mother and son (about 10 years old I guess), standing in the rain on MLK Boulevard with Obama signs. I was inspired. I wish Ashley and I and Sunny and Sofia and all our friends were in good enough health and were able to do the same. I'm glad Ashley is working with the Center for Civil Rights today responding to calls. Not bad for a gal past her 12-weeks of life expectancy! Ash, you are also our inspiration.

God, I pray for good news for Ashley. I pray for kindness and civility and for a glimpse at our better selves today at the polls. I pray for many years of continuing to work with Al and Ashley to make our society more just and equal. Bless Ash with strength and health. Amen.

Ashley and San Martin

November 3: Christian feast of St. Martin of Porres (d. 1639), healer and advocate of social equality and inter-ethnic harmony; guide of healers and human rights activists.

Looking at my interfaith prayer calendar, I found this entry for today. I think it's the most beautiful coincidence. St. Martin de Porres is a Peruvian mulato (son of a Spanish nobleman and a former slave from Panama) who was given to a doctor at age 10 by his poor mother. He worked healing the sick and later entered a Dominican monastery where he became a servant in the infirmary. Because of his healing and piety, he was allowed to become a "brother" despite being black (which would have disqualified him)--probably because he was better at healing than any of the white brothers! He was a friend of Sta. Rosa de Lima and part of the whole religious movement that bucked the caste system. St. Martin would bring Indians and slaves into his room and the infirmary, and when he was forbidden to do so, he established a hospital and an orphanage. All with lots of humility and with such amazing results that his administrators and superiors had to go along...at least pretending that they were supporting him.

Although the people of Lima started trying to get Rome to declare him a saint (with all the requisite proofs), it took over two hundred years for the Vatican to budge. It was not until 1962 that he was declared a saint. What perseverance!

I'm not sure what the lesson is here. Maybe that for justice and racial harmony to win it takes a long time? Actually, I'd rather think that this coincidence is a reminder that we are all linked. That there is a "great cloud of witnesses" that is praying with us and that Ashley's healing is part of the ongoing struggle for wholeness in our broken world. AND, of course, a reminder that it is good and fitting that on Nov. 3 we are all praying (like San Martin) for healing and human rights in Ashley's life.

Thank you, God, for this little miracle. Heal Ashley. Bless Barack Obama. Bless us as we pray.
Amen

Prayer for healing

Dear God, Creator, Sustainer, Spirit of Comfort and Spirit of Beauty and Truth,
Thank you for the weekend, especially for Ashley's garden and Caroline's Halloween party. It is good to see folks just having silly fun. It was good to see Ashley and Al and Sunny laughing and visiting and just enjoying another day of life. Thanks for Caroline's creativity and Jamie's enthusiasm and their willingness to include some of us old, old, old friends in their celebration. Even though we're always late and seldom have a costume. Thank you that they don't hold us to their standard...or any standard, for that matter.

Thank you, God, for the healing that has taken place so far. Ipray for more good news. Please cleanse Ashley of the tumors and restore her to health. I see the perfection of creation, from the smallest plants to the incredible sky, and know that anything is possible. I trust in the power of love, our love and yours. Fill our lives with love and joy today, and help us to have so much that it overflows and heals us...and each other. Give Ashley continued hope; help her to feel the love that is coming from all the people who know her.

God, I pray for Emmett. Heal him from his broken arm. Give both Emmett and Ashley renewed strength today.

As I pray, I am thinking about St. Francis, who brought healing to his community. It seems appropriate to think of him when thinking about Ashley and the work she does, fighting for "the least of these." I pray that Ashley's health will allow her to continue working with those marginalized and treated unjustly in our society. God, give her strength, health, hope and joy. I pray in the name of your Jesus, healer and life-giver. Amen.

God Almighty,
Thank you for the sunshine. It's cold, but it's beautiful. Keep Ashley warm. Help her to eat enough and to get over her cold and her chemo cough.
Thank you for the beautiful garden that is taking shape at her place. Thank you that some of our friends are such gifted gardeners. It takes a lot of love or talent or both to create a garden. I think both, because as much as I would have loved to help, I knew it was better not to try. But thank you that she can enjoy the gifts of great gardeners and great friends. Thank you that Ashley's plants are prospering. Bless the new ones that are coming for the new garden, and help them prosper in the new soil.
Help us all prosper in the soil of uncertainty, fear, and confusion. Help us find nurturing soil that allows us to grow strong roots. Bless Ashley and Al and Sunny, that they may feel the sun's warmth and the warmth or the love and care of their friends.
Amen

FROM ASHLEY

This evening I was lying with acupuncture needles in my legs and arms,nodding off and blissed out. Most every day there's some pleasure -- often several pleasures -- waiting for me. Food, music, books, photo albums, scrapbooks, computer assistance, acupuncture, emails, cards, meditation help, massage, parties, gardens, phone calls, a clean house, the assurance of medical care, a great job to go to -- gift after gift after gift.

I am trained on keeping life positive -- truly working hard at it. But my load is so much less than it could be. There seems to be no end to the love other people keep putting in my sails. The simple truth but total miracle is that I am genuinely having a lot of fun most every day.
So thanks.

Answered Prayers

I wasn't going to post what I wrote on Sunday, but reading what Ashley sent me last night (next post) I decided it was worth sharing. It is just such a beautiful example of answered prayer. I basically asked God to help me get an attitude adjustment. I was willing (trying) to listen, to slow down, to be thankful for life), so that I could keep praying and loving my family and friends. Ashley is part of both groups. And then I realized that Ashley has discovered that secret and is living with joy. She takes the bad with the good and focuses each minute on the good. And I can be part (when I do have the attitude and faith) to be part of the good. Thank you, God.

The most fun I had this week is crashing Ashley's house with Sofia and doing the dishes. Sofi was really worried that we would "get caught." But of course we did, because we left behind a jacket, chicha, etc. My daughter, who NEVER gets excited about doing ANY housework whatsoever, was excited and helpful, sneaking in to do a good deed. I think Ashley has unleashed a powerful force for good out on the community. It's transforming people. I'm praying it will even work its magic on the elections.

Well, God, I'm running to do a presentation in Raleigh. Give me kind words to speak to the teachers there. I pray for safety on the road. No more exciting rescues, please. Please let mechanics have enough work without me today. Help Ashley have a great, joyful, feel-good day. Bless Sunny and Al and Luna. Love, Maria

Praying for the long view (drafted last week)

It's been several days of not writing. To be honest, it's been several days of being angry and frustrated and having conversations with God that are not fit for this blog. I've realized that feeling sorry for myself is not conducive to being productive and really results in worse problems. The problem is turning myself around is difficult. How does one muster the gumption to stay positive when everything seems to be going wrong? Worse, when I seem to be doing things wrong and the problems are mostly of my making?
I have a student that tells me he is in college thanks to the fact his mother didn't speak English. He had to interpret for an elementary teacher and try to explain to his mother that he was way behind, couldn't understand what was going on, and ought to be tested in case he was mentally retarded. He didn't tell his mother any of that and instead decided to prove to the teacher he was not dumb. He worked twice as hard as the other kids--he still does. But he's about to finish his engineering degree. I thought of this student after hearing Baldemar Velazquez (FLOC organizer and minister) preach at the Black/Brown conference last week. He said he turned his life around after a football game. He had scored 4 touchdowns and helped win the game, but the blond and handsome quarterback told him after the game: "You may be fast and you may be able to score, but you are still a dumb Mexican." He said that after that he never got anything below a B again.

Yet all I feel right now is discouraged. Sick (mostly from not eating right and living right like Ashley), and sad. So, having exhausted my "self-pity" mode, I'm going to pray like I'm supposed to, trusting that this discipline of prayer will become the feelings of thanksgiving and love and peace that I know I could be experiencing right now--if I look at things differently. All I have to do is think about Ashley and life, and keep praying.

God, Creator, thanks that when my car broke down in the middle of I-40, going 70 miles per hour, nothing bad happened. Thank you that I was able to coast safely and get help. Thanks for roadside assistance. Thanks for mechanics. And thanks that my bad day gave somebody work and income.
Thank you God for all the work of this week. Thanks for the work that pays and the work that you have called me to do outside of this. For the privilege of being a bridge-builder. Thanks for the NAACP and its convention this week. Thanks for A&T and Homecoming. And forgive me for not being wiser, when your wisdom is available and all I have to do is listen.

I pray for Ashley right now. Help the vitamin C have a positive effect on her cells and help her win this invisible fight. Bless her as she faces another day of chemo and another week of the side effects. May she be strengthened by the love around her and the many people thinking and praying for her. Give her peace and rest and help her remember all the good things that life has to offer as her mind wonders and deals with the pain or discomfort. BLess her with beauty and joy in the middle of it all. BLess Al and Sunny and her whole extended family. Give Tim culinary inspiration and Barbara health that they may enjoy the best Thanksgiving yet. Amen.

Praying for good news

Ashley is starting another month of vitamin C treatments. This is possible because of the number of people who have sent contributions to help pay for the expensive first round of Vitamin C. It's cumbersome (2 hours a day, six days per week hooked up to the i.v.), and expensive; but Ashley and Al attribute some of the improvement--we don't know how much--to this treatment. Her doctor offered the option of continuing, and they decided to go ahead. If there is any chance of continuing the positive effects, then they're going to go for broke. We'll know with the next scan how well it's working. I have faith that all the prayers and hard work Ashley is doing and positive karma and good thoughts from lapsed Presbyterians are all contributing to her healing.

Today Ashley told me we'll find out on the same day 1) how her tumors are responding and2) whether Barack Obama won the elections. Nov. 4 is going to be one big day of celebration. So, I'm going to start praying for and "claiming" the good news right now. On both fronts.
God, we need good news. The world cannot afford more war, I started to watch a documentary today, in preparation for a screening we're having at A&T, and I lasted 10 minutes. It made me sick to think of all the people who are in need of food, clean water, medicine... I wonder how you feel, Creator Spirit. We pray for our children, but they are ALL your children. And it's also your children who are profiting from war. Or are they? Jesus said, "Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called children of God." I guess we cannot call warmongers your children. Please help us elect peace.

I also ask for Ashley's health. Cleanse her lungs and strengthen her immune system. Give her body the strength it needs to fight the cancer. Make the tumors disappear. Give her rest and a good night's sleep.

Bless Sunny and Al and fill their home with grace and love. Thanks for Al and his work this week with the NAACP. Thanks for Rev. Barber and his prophetic voice. Bless him with improved health. Order his steps that he may find a path to healing and continue to serve you. Grant that he and Ashley may see immigration reform come to pass under an Obama administration. We pray for all these miracles-- miracles of personal and social healing. In faith we ask. Amen.

Mi Escuelita Reunion

Saturday was a beautiful, beautiful day. Not only did the sun shine all day, but Ashley, Al, and Sunny hosted a reunion of Mi Escuelita, the bilingual preschool that was Sunny's second home growing up and Ashley's second (unpaid) job, and created a nurturing, loving community of diverse peoples who still think of each other as family. I was late arriving, but it was evident that hundreds of hours of work had paid off. Thanks Caroline and Tanya and all the folks who responded to the invitations and phonecalls. Thanks to Caroline's family and Tanya's family. I know EVERYONE pitched in. The house looked perfect, from the baloons and streamers to the ongoing picture show in the living room (can you believe our children were that cute and we were that young???), to the fantastic food and the amazing soccer game that lasted four hours. I understand why the kids didn't want to leave. I didn't either. When Tanya asked me "Wouldn't it be great if this moment could last forever?" I agreed from the bottom of my heart. I do think this is a little of my idea of heaven: lots of children, lots of love, lots of wonderful food and friendship and everyone wishing only the very best for everyone else. And personally invested in each other's happiness. Amen.

Thank you, God, for the families of Mi Escuelita that through the years have invested in our common dream. Thanks for Maria Elena and Ana and the original teachers and parents who couldn't come. Thanks for Gabi and Katushka and the wonderful teachers that came and went through the years. I thank you specially that you brought Ashley and Sunny to Mi Escuelita on their daily walks and that they became part of this family. I remember Sunny before she could walk, carried up the steps behind my office to the swing, always with her big hats lest Ashley find her getting direct exposure, always happy and determined. Thank you that Ashley agreed to be on the board and chair our board, even when nobody really knew what we were doing. Thank you for bringing Nancy and Mayi and Caroline and all the other board members to help make decisions. God, all I had was a vision and the belief that what we were trying to do was absolutely and totally essential to the human development of our children. How could Sofia grow up to be the person I wanted her to be if I had to choose between Black or White childcare, rich or poor? There had to be an alternative. Thank you that Ashley already had that vision and had been working on making Chapel Hill the kind of town where Mi Escuelita could become a reality. Thank you for her expertise and her friends who helped only because they believed in her.

God, bless Ashley tonight. Heal her and strengthen her that we may enjoy many more reunions and grow old watching our children playing and laughing together. Amen.

Inspiration from the Mountains

It was an icredibly busy weekend and now it's half-way through the week and I'm still feeling like it's Monday.
I spent the weekend in Asheville with Benji looking at UNCA. He's going to apply and hopes to attend school in the mountains. I couldn't help but think about Ashley the whole time. She must have been inspired by those mountains from an early age. I can picture her--a radical feminist, probably by age 5, trying to fight for justice while singing and dancing and looking like a cute little imp. Sorry, Ash, but your pictures of when you were little are pretty funny.

I thought the motto of UNCA is great: I will lift up my eyes onto the hills.

I tried to make some posts from the hotel, but I couldn't connect to this blog. I kept hoping somebody else would post a prayer, and was thankful to see Barb's thoughts/prayers, but sorry I couldn't share my response. It really was amazing how the majesty of the mountains makes you feel so small and yet so much a part of the world. Sort of protected.

God, I thank you for this beautiful earth. I have lifted my eyes onto the mountains and sensed your power and glory. I ask that some of that awesome power will heal Ashley. Returning from Asheville I couln't help but notice how good she looks. She has gained weight, she is smiling a lot more, and running, and going to Sunny's games. I thank you and praise you for this, Creator of the mountains and the trees and the blue skies. I pray that you will give Ashley the strength she needs to continue her journey towards healing and wholeness. Restore her lungs to complete health, I pray. Give her rest and joy today and each day. As each of us prays in the name by which we know you, I pray in the name of Jesus. Amen.

morning gatha

waking up this morning, i smile.
twenty-four brand new hours are before me.
i vow to live fully present in every moment
and look upon all beings with eyes of compassion.

--thich nhat hanh


p.s. "all beings" includes ourselves..........

Thank you, God, for laughter. Thank you for Sunny's homework and her smarts and her joy in learning. Thank you for Al's love of life and intellectual curiosity and willingness to always engage in challenging conversations and difficult problems, whether social or mathematical. Please keep him strong and healthy. Keep Sunny strong and healthy.

God, I pray that you build up Ashley's strength. We ask that she may continue to enjoy her family and every precious moment of laughter and joy for a long, long time. We ask that she may grow old with us...slowly and joyfully. We even pray for Luna, who is definitely not Marble, but is a faithful companion and always willing to run along with Ashley. Keep them both safe in their runs.

God, we pray for the chemotherapy to continue to be effective. I hate the side effects, from the cought to the nausea, to the hair loss, but I thank you that these drugs are working to rid Ashley of the tumors. I pray that this week will be one of enormous healing. I pray that Ashley's blood counts won't tank. Use the vitamin C and all the good food so lovingly prepared to strengthen all the good cells. May your love and care surround Ashley and bring her rest and healing today. Amen

FROM ASHLEY

Maria blogged about my mother having a small stroke last week. At first my parents thought Mom had had a migraine that had affected her vision. Fortunately they didn't rely on their best guess and Mom got a serious wake up call that she has to be vigilant about her blood pressure. For most of her life, she's had great blood pressue. She's fit, active and healthy, so it was easy to resent/ignore the nascent blood pressure problem her doctors told her she had a few years ago. No more. Now it's time for medication daily. She's disciplined so I know she'll stay on top of it. I'm not worried. (Initially I was, I kept yelling at Tim, "Wait, our mother had a stroke?") Our youngest sibling, Matthew, flew in from Austin TX, to help Mom and Daddy adjust to all this.

Matt's great. When last year's chemotherapy was trying to kill me, Matt visited, reorganized our whole kitchen, made Sunny four birthday cakes for a mammouth sports birthday party she was having for her 11th birthday, helped me cull books for the thriftshop, bought me an Ipod and loaded it up with loads of great music (to hear Matt's band, google Twanguero) and, to me, said all the right things. So, I'm happy for Mom and Dad. Getting Matthew up there is a damn good consolation prize after a serious diagnosis.

As for things here for the Osment-McSurely family, we couldn't be more grateful for all the meals people are bringing. Since Tanya and Nancy set up the food delivery, we have been in culinary heaven. These dinners make possible the hands-down favorite part of my life -- supper with Sunny and Al. Sunny sits at the head of the table, flanked by Al and me. I sit closest to the kitchen because I neurotically get up for napkins, different silverware, dishes as they're ready to be served and other such. Sunny regales us with stories of her day, Al gets out of his revolutionary head, and I relax and laugh and revel in how much I love my family.

Sunny has started bringing her classroom math work and her extracurricular math superstars work downstairs for her and Al to enjoy together. She and Al rock out talking through concepts and logic that loses me nearly immediately. What doesn't lose me is that this old guy and his youngest daughter are laughing, complimenting each other, outsmarting each other for a good hour and it's just so fun for everyone. I swear their relationship will stay strong forever if they keep math in the mix.

I had seven hours of conventional chemo today (taxol, carboplatin and avastin) and am in fullswing with the Vitamin C regimen at home (six infusions per week). The contributions that flowed in for the Vitamin C were humbling, much appreciated and just may be working. Thank you everyone.

still praying

God,
I'm praying and writing and erasing. All my prayers these last couple of days sound like a broken record: Heal Ashley, please. Please heal Ashley. Would you please remember to heal Ashley? You must be bored. I'm having trouble writing with feeling and poetry and passion. Truthfully, I don't want to feel passion of any kind right now. I don't want to think too deeply or feel too much,I want it to be a normal day. Back to the old normal--before Ashley was ever diagnosed with cancer. I'm sure Ashley has felt this spiritual and emotional tiredness, this barrier. In the last couple of days, we almost sound like things are normal. We discuss blood work and chemo outlook, soccer practice and the possibility of making it to the Freedom Songs show on Thursday, and it sounds so routine. And then I ask "do you need something?" And of course she says she's ok.

God, help me to be emotionally present. Help us, the friends that surround Ashley, to be willing and able to cry and feel, that our prayers may be real. Give us the strength and the words to express our fears and our faith. Give us the understanding to walk this journey and not be stuck looking back. Help us to accept this new normal, where there is pain and fear, but there is also unbelievable courage and love and healing.

God, I pray for Ashley's mom. Grandbobbi needs healing too. Ashley says it was a small stroke and she's home today and recovering, but her vision may be affected (residual stuff). God, this is really, really bad timing. Ms. Osment looked so healthy and cheerful last weekend, and now she's struggling to regain her "normal" too. Can you please heal her quickly? I know this also sounds superficial and repetitive, but I don't know how else to ask. I'm going to try to do like the psalmist. Bear with me. I bet David had lots of drafts and unpublished psalms. I'll take confort in knowing I'm trying to pray honestly and that you know this. Please hear my prayer.
God, we need you!
Your children are sick and need healing.
Ashley is suffering from tumors that give her pain,
Ms. Osment has just had a stroke.
The family is tired and stretched and needs strength.

You have healed many before. We have witnessed your miracles.
You have shown your love and power.
Remember the Osments. They have served you and their communities
They have fought for justice and brought hope to others.
Bring healing to their family, that we may rejoice and celebrate.
Hear our prayers, Creator God and and we will forever declare
the miracle that took place
and share your love and grace with those who need it.
Give us faith, give us peace. Amen.

Apology Accepted

I called Ashley today to apologize for not keeping this blog updated. She said "apology not necessary." After visiting her on Wednesday and making arrangements for the delivery, via Mayi, of a new (and hopefully comfortable) hat specially made for her by Christie Minchew (www.sweetbriarstudio.biz), I went home to try to stop a headache from developing into a full-blown migrane. I failed. Only a couple of hours ago I started to feel normal again. I was so excited to be able to turn on the light in my office and actually get some work done, that I stayed way past quitting time. Two of my students, Victor and Kerwin, waited for me to make sure I got to my car safely.They had been in the Multicultural Center for the first meeting of our Hispanic soccer team and then sat and played chess until I was ready to leave. I wondered why they were worrying about me so much, when I remembered they were two of the guys who changed my tire last friday. Today they carried my basket and computer to the car and told me to drive carefully. "Nos vemos manana, maestra." [See you tomorrow, teacher] It was a wonderful feeling of being valued. I wanted to tell thank them for just being two wonderful students and letting me be a part of their amazing lives. Two young immigrants who have faced oppressive circumstances and are sweet, kind, caring and very funny. Plus they are honors students.

I'm not sure how all this relates to Ashley's healing, but it has brought healing to me, so I'm sharing it. I'm just glad to have a job and have wonderful students to work for and with. And to be migrane free right now. And I guess that's what I wish for Ashley. To be cancer-free and pain-free and stand amazed at how wonderful it is to be valued and cared for in small but important ways.

Thank you, God, for the beautiful Carolina sky. It has been an amazing day, even if the headache didn't let me stand in the sunshine and soak it in this morning. Thank you that this weekend we celebrate the UN International Day of Peace. I pray for peace in our schools and universities. I pray for peace in the Democratic Republic of Congo, in Darfur and in Bolivia. I pray for peace for the victims of war and of natural disasters. I pray for peace in our homes.
Help me to work for peace and not to dispair when progress is so hard to see.

Tonight, I ask for peace for Ashley. Grant her faith to believe in her healing and faith to believe in our love and our prayers. Remind her that miracles are always undeserved and that there is nothing she can or needs to do to earn the right to be healed. God, could we ever be good enough for all we have already received? Help us just rejoice in the totally underserved beauty of today and in the love of those around us. Bless and heal Ashley. I ask today in the name of your Son Jesus, healer, and prince of peace. Amen.

Faith and grace to face setbacks

God, You already know Ashley has received news today that her blood counts are not good enough to do chemotherapy on Monday. She's disappointed. We wanted no apparent set-backs, only full-steam ahead.

What do you think, God? Does this have to be bad? Medically, I guess it's not news we wanted to hear. But I'm asking you to make it all work together for good. Can you use this delay? Ashley really wants the tests on Monday to show improvement. Perhaps even to allow the chemotherapy to proceed.

God, I trust in the infinite wisdom of the Universe. Most of the time. Today, despite setbacks and bad news, help us to exercise faith. I know that Ashley's life is precious. I believe that her healing is a gift we are all receiving. Give her the reassurance and determination and strength she needs as this miracle unfolds. Bless her with rest and heal her body as she sleeps tonight. Bless her as she travels to Raleigh for treatment on Thursday. Bless Sunny and Al. May your Spirit of Healing and Love fill their home. Amen.

Ashley's Garden

This email was received from Elizabeth today:
Hello out there, Ashley/Al/Sunny Cosmic Fan Club--
I'm sure some of you have heard Ashley make the comment that she wants to plant a perennial garden with some fruit trees. It was the one thing she told me soon after she got the news of the recurrence. So a good friend of mine, who is a professional landscaper, is making some beds in front of the house. She and I went over and met with Ashley a week or so ago to work out a design. My thinking is that some of you all may have gardens of your own with some plants you want to divide this fall, and that you might get a kick out of contributing a little plant or shrub or two to the mix. I've seen a fewbulbs on her counter sent from well-wishers, so this may already be happening. Ashley also wants to plant a fig tree or some other type of fruit tree as well. If you're interested in this project, it may well take very little coordination. Once we get the beds put in, people can just bring stuff byand put it in the ground. So let me know if you want on this train, and I'll email you the design plan. If there's one of you out there with superb technical know-how, like Tanya with her meal calendar website, who might volunteer to put the design plan on a website that we could all go to and fill in when we've planted something, chime in!Elizabeth M. Haddix (emhaddix@embarqmail.com)

I (Maria) would like to add:
I'm TERRIBLE with plants, which is so ironic, because my mom is a landscape architect and I went to every garden show and every nursery in the city, if not the country, when I was growing up. What I can do is help somebody who can tell me exactly what to do and can supervise so I don't mess anything up. I know Ashley has some friends that may not want to carry stuff, get in the dirt, etc. I can meet them at the house and follow their instructions. Let me know if anyone needs help. I'd love to feel useful and see a plant I've helped with actually grow. Maria (mtpalmer@ncat.edu)

GOD, THANK YOU for the beauty of plants and for the love of friends. Bless Ashley and please continue to obliterate those tumors. May your healing and love be felt by Ashley today. Amen.

Thanks, Ashley

It's been so good to have the good news of Ashley's improving health to boost our thoughts and prayer. I believe it's the combination--the incredibly powerful mix of everyone's different ways of loving and hoping and praying and doing---all directed at Ashley's healing, that is having a wonderful positive effect. Let's keep it up! We cannot get lazy. Let's all keep praying. We will just have to keep being a force for healing together. For Ashley.

Last night our dog, Reilley, who was a gift from Ashley six years ago (her cat, Batman, almost blinded him, so she had to find him a safe home), got sick. We spent a terrible night watching him act paranoid, refuse to eat, run in circles, tremble, etc. etc. After much research, I was thinking that Reilley was having a hallucinogenic reaction (a bad trip?). I found a Hickory nut he had chewed which was mouldy. Or maybe it was mushrooms. Anyway, the symptoms were there.This morning there seemed to be some improvement, so even though Reilley had not slept all night, I took the kids to church. As I was leaving church, I fell apart--we'll blame it on a moving sermon and a sleepless night--and called Ashley. My friend, with Sunny and Al in tow, came by after Sunny's soccer game to give me comfort and advice.

I just want to say THANKS to Ash for teaching me to love an animal and helping me understand what my grandmother meant when she said that more dogs were going to heaven than people. And thank, Ashley, for bringing Reilley into our lives, and for coming over to check him out.

Thank you, God, for love. For the love of friends who bring wholeness and laughter into our lives. For the love of our families and especially of our children, for the love of our pets who give us tireless and selfless devotion, and for your love. We pray knowing that we are just a speck, yet we are part of a beautiful interconnected world that you declared GOOD. We thank you for a beautiful day of worship, soccer and healing. Please continue to heal Reilley and Ashley. We ask that you continue to shrink the tumors and clear her lungs. Bless Ashley, Al and Sunny tonight and give them rest.
Amen

ps. I bet Jesus healed some animals too. The gospel writers just forgot to record it.

metta, or loving-kindness meditation

there are short versions and long versions of metta, or loving-kindness meditation. they are recited using "may I," "may you," "may all sentient beings," "may some specific person," "may..."

May I be peaceful, happy, and light in body and spirit.
May I be safe and free from injury.
May I be free from anger, fear, and anxiety.

May I learn to look at myself with the eyes of understanding and love.
May I be able to recognize and touch the seeds of joy and happiness in myself.
May I learn to identify and see the sources of anger, craving, and delusion in myself.

May I know how to nourish the seeds of joy in myself every day.
May I be able to live fresh, solid, and free.
May I be free from attachment and aversion, but not be indifferent.

or, a shorter one --

May I be held in compassion.
May my pain and sorrow be eased.
May I be at peace.

or, a longer one --

May all be well and secure,
May all beings be happy.

Whatever living creatures there be,
Without exception, weak or strong,
Long, huge or middle-sized,
Or short, minute or bulky,

Whether visible or invisible,
And those living far or near,
The born and those seeking birth,
May all beings be happy

Let none deceive another
Or despise any being in any state;
Let none wish others harm
In resentment or in hate

Just as with her own life
A mother shields her child,
her only child, from hurt
Let all-embracing thoughts
For all beings be yours.

Cultivate a limitless heart of goodwill
For all throughout the cosmos,
In all its height, depth and breadth --
Love that is untroubled
And beyond hatred or enmity.

As you stand, walk, sit or lie,
So long as you are awake,
Pursue this awareness with your might:
It is deemed the Divine Abiding -- here and now.

you are in my meditation and prayer, ashley -- and al -- and sunny!

Early Saturday

Dear God,
My father might say this is an ungodly hour and I should be in bed sleeping, which would be better for me and the universe, he would argue, than praying. I would be asleep if I could be. Two things keep waking me up: Ashley and immigration. God, are you as upset reading the N&O as I am? I'm having a hard time thinking of Sheriff Bissell of Johnston County as one of your children, yet I'm sure he can be a kind and caring man. To some people. But immigrants, he calls "trash." To a reporter. Knowing that his remarks are going to be published. Like all the elected politicians who knew racial hatred would get them elected 40 years ago...only now it's persecuting "aliens" that gets you votes. You have had a lot to say about how we treat the aliens, haven't you, God?

I missed Ashley so much yesterday. I sat in the meeting of the Governor's Advisory Council for Hispanic/Latino Affairs and heard the inspiring words of your prophet, Rev.Dr. Barber. I saw how many people were ready to lay their jobs on the line to speak up against this injustice when he finished speaking. Even individual members of the Council responded with passion to his call. And the council voted to do...almost nothing! They will send a letter to the Governor offering to convene a meeting in Johnston County. God, why am I not in this council? Why am I in some Nursing Scholars' Commission, where I do almost nothing myself, instead of speaking out on something I know about, or at least trying to... why did the Council let the nice Anglo bureaucrat talk them into "letting the commissioners have an opportunity to do the right thing..." How long should we wait?

It was deja vu, all over again, God. Remember when I sat, fuming and crying inside in the State Board of Education meetings? I would have to leave the Board room and call Ashley and tell her what was going on and strategize together. I would have resigned so many times if she had not given me her clear-headed advice.

So this prayer needs to wrap up, God, because it's getting complicated and I'll end up deleting it and Ashley's friends won't be able to read it and pray with me. I"m trying to get to the point, God: I need Ashley, and so does the work of justice. Your justice. I felt handicapped yesterday. If Ash had been at work, she might not have been able to help me anyway. Probably wouldn't have answered the phone. But she would have called back. But when I thought of calling her to strategise I thought of her tiredness, of her needing all her energy to run Sunny's birthday--by the way, THANK YOU, God, for Sunny and for her birthday and boundless energy---back to the point: Ashley needs to get better, stronger, healthy. I just want to remind you that she is a force of nature that You set out to do good. Restore her to health and fill her with righteous indignation and give her the energy to provide her thoughtful, calm and wise advice. I ask in the name of Jesus, who gave his life to liberate the oppressed and proclaim your justice. And in the name of all the "aliens"--your children--who are living in fear and need more advocates. Tu hija, maritere.

Amen

As I always sing to the kids at night...Amen, Amen our hearts cry, his word is true, all that the Lord has said, he will do.

Thank you. Thank you for this road to recovery for Ash and all her family and friends, because as we all pray we are united in healing. May it cover Ashley, Al and Sunny. May all your miracles be evident and clear. May we have the eyes to see your love. Amen

Thank you, God

I'm still walking a few inches above ground and thanking God for the miracle that is taking place in Ashley. The tumors ARE shrinking! As Al reports in his 4th update, they are smaller and fewer in number.
As I heard Ashley cough all week, I hoped and prayed that it was a healing cough. Caroline and I were just talking about this: could it be that her lungs were getting rid of the tumors? Apparently, they are. With help from chemicals, vitamins, lots of prayers and Ashley's indomitable resolve, her body is healing.

Ashley said tonight: "I still want them [the tumors] to miraculously disappear!" And I assured her I would continue to pray for a full and total disappearance of the tumors. But, as I said in previous postings, miracles sometimes take time. While we watch this one unfold, we can exercise our faith. so maybe the next one will be easier. : )

God, I thank you for the miracle of healing. I can picture Jesus sitting next to Ashley's bed--I picture him dressed in an old t-shirt and those old men's shorts Ashley loves so much--keeping a long vigil and praying each night while Ashley sleeps. I picture Jesus' light and love filling that bedroom and spreading all the way up to Sunny's, filling everyone in that house with peace and rest. It's a comforting image that reflects how I understand you, God. The essence of love and care: like a mother or a sister or a father who is willing to trade places with us to ease our suffering--or at least stay awake while we rest in the knowledge of their love and care. And I thank you that I have known this kind of love in my life, which probably makes it possible for me to believe in a loving God. Thank you God for a faith, even if it is filled with doubts, that allows me to pray and hope.

Thank you, again, for Ashley's healing. Please continue to heal her in body and Spirit. Amen.

Praying for Grace and Patience

God Almighty,
It's mid afternoon and Ashley still has not talked to her doctor. We pray for hope and patience and continue to pray for a miracle of healing. Give Ashley's doctor wisdom and strength and lift her tiredness when she comes out of the OR. Give her clarity to explain to Ashley what is going on and what she needs to do next. Prepare us to be all that she needs us to be. And to do what she needs us to do. Bless Sunny and Al and all of Ashley's family. Bless Brother Luther and Ms. Osment and Tim, Matthew, Janey and Joey as they also wait and worry. Give them hope and peace during this time.

Decorating for Ashley

This morning I woke up early and barged in on Ashley to "pray on her" before her scan. She was upstairs going through pictures and had the most self-satisfied smile on her face. She's ordered a scanner and has all kinds of plans for albums and digital collections. She took a look at my sleepless, headachy, pale face and laughed. "This is harder for y'all than it is for me right now," she declared. I don't think so. But it's undoubtedly kept many of us up. Done wonders for our prayer life.

Then we went to see the new house, on the corner of Cameron and Wilson, provided by UNC as a refuge from the noise for Ashley and her family. Ashley likes the place and believes it is perfect for the Mi Escuelita reunion party we are planning for October: Huge yard, big porch, large dining room and living room. So we went through all the rooms looking and making plans and talking about the irony of her getting the house that she wanted to make into a Charter School , if only the owner had agreed to sell about 10 years ago! Back when we had plans of living in the magical Mi Escuelita world forever...

Ashley is hoping to decorate the place, which is sparsely furnished, and make it more homey. She's thinking of making it more welcoming and cheerful for Sunny, since She and Sunny will probably be spending a lot of time there. Since neither one of us has the decorating gene, I offered to post this request. Of course Ashley said "I've already asked for so much." Which I refuse to even discuss. I've already told her in her case it's more blessed to receive than to give, because she's blessing all those she allows to be more blessed giving than receiving... somehow it made sense when I said it. Y'all understand.

So, if you like decorating, have an eye for such things, and would like to help, please email me or Ash with ideas/suggestions/offerings. For example: ALL the walls are bare. Do you have a great picture to loan for a year? A hanging? An area rug? A flower arrangement you could bring over before the weekend of 9/12? The porch also has absolutely no furniture. That would need to be something not valuable (as in thrift-shop bound), as it's outside and facing Cameron. Do you have matching bead spreads for twin beds?

I'm going to stop here and get Ashley to make a wish list. Also, I know there are some of her friends that could have their own TV show, judging by your beautiful homes. If you have time, would you please work your magic in a room of this house?

God, I know I'm obsessing about this decorating rather than thinking about Ashley's scan. I pray that everything went smoothly. I pray for good news tomorrow. Bless Ashley and fill her with healing love. Amen

shrinking tumors

God,
We'll know more about Ashley's tumors tomorrow. How big, how many, where they are. I wish we didn't have to find out. I wish we could continue to pray and trust and simply wait this out until they were all gone. But of course the doctors need some clinical answers. They want to know if the chemo helped. They are probably already asking themselves "what's next?" and perhaps looking at experimental options.

God, I hold on to hope with all my heart and pray for good news. For the best news. My students at A&T often scold me for even discussing the possibility that something might go wrong. They say my mouth is going to condemn me. It's a mix of superstition and denial and sometimes, true fear. We can't mention the worse possible outcome, or even think about it, even when things look grim. We have to "claim" the victory. Yet even in this claiming the victory, each one of us knows that there will be suffering, but that somehow anticipating it and making plans for it will not help us. It's as valuable a coping mechanism for an oppressed people as I've ever experienced. And it helps me. I claim the best and then also claim that your grace is sufficient, no matter what.

God, I claim it all for Ashley. I claim shrinking tumors and miraculous healing and health. Restore her, God Almighty. Heal her that she might continue to love Sunny and us, and life and to work for justice. Heal her that she may continue to experience joy and laughter. I suspect there is joy and laughter on the other side, God, but we ask that we can have Ashley with us for a long time. It's a selfish prayer, but you are a generous God.
As we each pray in our own way, knowing that you listen to all of creation by whatever name we call you, I ask for healing in the name of Jesus. Jesus, who had compassion and went around unable to resist healing the sick and dying. Even unclean old women and lepers. In Jesus' name I pray for my friend Ashley. Amen.

Dear God,
It's been a difficult weekend, with ups and downs and feelings of desolation creeping in and paralyzing me. It's so easy to stop listening and plough ahead with what "ought to be done" that we loose the opportunity to be mindful, to be joyful, to be attuned to those around us.

On Saturday I watched Ashley change light bulbs while Sunny and I stood below ready to catch her. She refused our help. We annoyed her. She felt good and wanted to feel useful and do the work that needed to be done. I don't know how many times I heard her say "I'm perfectly capable of..." And she is. But then her arm hurts, and she asks "I wonder why it's hurting?" And I want to yell "because you have a damn plastic tube in there and you are moving it around like it was nothing!" I should have yelled that. I should have said exactly that. Jesus didn't mince words. And I can hear your rebukes when I behave stupidly. So I missed that chance to be honest and helpful and perhaps spare my friend some pain. Then I missed the chance to leave when my job was done, even though I could sense it was the right thing to do. God, help me not to hover. And help Sunny to be able to ask me for what she needs. To be as brutally honest with me as she is with Al and Ashley. To say, "Maria, I need my mom for myself right now, can you help me?" God, that's so much to ask of a little girl/almost adolescent/young woman who is about to turn 12. But you have given her so much character and strength. Help her learn to trust that we won't get our feelings hurt and turn away. Help her to have enough faith and trust in me and other friends to be herself and articulate her needs and feelings.

Thank you, God, for two beautiful days of sunshine. Help Ashley soak the warmth and joy of these days. Thank you for the helpful books and teachings that lift her spirits. Heal her in body and spirit today. Amen

A Question from Fiesta

Hi Maria
I hope you remember me, Fiesta, I worked for Al and Ashley.
I don't usually forward things to people but a good friend of mine sent this to me. I saw Ashley last week and told her I would take those tumors from her and have them in me if I could. Although I know it's not God's will. I always have to remember His will be done, I know we are not supposed to ask why, but why Maria, why Ashley and not me? I read the following and thought of her.
Fiesta Warren

LEMONS and SUGAR
This should probably be taped to your bathroom mirror where one could read it every day. You may not realize it, but it's 100% true.
1. There are at least two people in this world that you would die for.
2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.
.......

Miracles

A friend of Ashley's wrote me an email today which started like many other emails I have received:

"Maria -- You may not remember me -- we met .... at Ashley's house...."

I think I've met 90% of the interesting and wonderful people I know at Ashley's house. It's been a refuge for so many progressives, intelectuals, community organizers, young activists, young parents, and over-protected children yearning to be free (like my three). But I digress.
This friend of Ashley's went on to say that she enjoys the postings, and that she wants to "be helpful -- to Ashley and her core friends -- however I can. I'm new to this area, and she has been an amazing friend in the very short time I've known her. She's just so great. "

I am copying my response to her here, because I'm getting a lot of offers of support, and truly I want everyone to know I'm not overwhelmed--and that it is a joy to pray and to help. I'm really doing very little, it's just that I write about it. But read what I wrote Ash's friend:

Thanks for your email and for checking in. I'm truly glad to be able to do the little bits and pieces I do. You wouldn't believe how many people are pitching in. REALLY gifted people who cook the most amazing vegan stuff, friends who know about medications, PIC lines, dishwashers, Budhist meditation, and just about everything and anything Ashley needs. When I'm at her house the phone doesn't stop ringing with messages of concern and support. I've never been turned down when I've asked somebody for help. So, I feel incredibly blessed to be able to just be there for Ash and communicate to others her needs when she needs a go-between. By the way, this is not that needed as of late, since Ashley is feeling better and she is able to coordinate her own help. In part I think this is also due to her realizing how she is blessing others in letting them cook, clean, run errands, and in general feel useful. Mostly, Ashley (and I, and I'm sure all her other friends) appreciate the love and availability of those who write, email and call. Please keep those prayers and positive thoughts coming.
Maria

God,
Thanks for all the good friends that treasure Ashley. Thank you that she is feeling their love, even when it is sent from thousands of miles away, as with Matthew H.D. Stewart. Bless him for making us laugh. Bless Ashley as she "puts all her strength behind a miracle." I know you smiled when you heard those words. Yesterday she proclaimed she wanted the tumors to miraculously disappear. I told her sometimes miracles take time. We both smiled. It sounds so ridiculous, like I'm a doctor telling a patient "take your medicine, the fever will go down in 24 hours..." Am I a miracle expert? I sure did sound like one last night. I guess I do feel like a miracle expert sometimes. I think I can look back and point to dozens. I still remember Gladys trying to tell the surgeon that she thanked him and God for a miracle. Her tumor--which was supposed to leave her paralized or dead--had pealed off from inside her vertebrae. The doctor said he couldn't have hoped for better. Glady's attempts came out sounding something like "doctor, you is God. miracle." The doctor, a deeply religious African-American neurosurgeon looked at me and started to laugh. He said "Reverend, please explain that I am definitely NOT God, but that I do agree it was a miracle." Then he pointed to the ceiling and said "Dios miracle. No me. I just did surgery."

God, we're all doing all we know how with the gifts you have given us. We're "just" doing our part. And Ashley is giving it 100%. She is also waiting for a miracle. And we are trusting that it is happening in her, even as we go about our jobs and other responsibilities today. Please guide the doctors, the nutritionist, the cooks, the nurses, and work this perfect miracle of healing. We ask in all humility, in love. Amen.

soldiers

I just want to speak up as a voice for the army of people out there, some of us near and some of us far, who are so eager to do whatever we can to help Ash, Al and Sunny. Some of us have spoken up here, but there are many more of us who haven't. But we are out there and ready.

Even if you can't see us all, I hope you can feel all of us behind you.

Praying for Grace to Receive

God, today I pray that you bless Ashley with the realization that we want to help her, cook and clean for her, etc., etc., etc.... because we are able and because we love her--and that she will never owe anything nor be able to do anything that somehow makes it even. I know none of us deserve the blessings we enjoy. Every time I go to Peru and see young women walking with their children late at night, waiting for over-full buses, working for pennies an hour, and smiling at me, I feel that the universe messed up. I question your love and justice. I know I don't deserve a home in Chapel Hill, wonderful friends, health, beautiful children... the list is endless. But accepting these blessings with grace and being willing to use them and use my time and energy to bless others is a start in making the universe seem a little less unfair. I can also feel your joy when I do it. God, help me, as I try to bless others, to also stop, breath deeply and enjoy the beauty that surrounds me and the undeserved acts of love offered to me. Help Ashley to enjoy the beauty that surrounds her and to accept with joy the undeserved acts of love offered to her. Bless her with improved health today and each day this week. Amen.

A WALK IN THE WOODS

A couple of nights ago, I had a beautiful dream. I was on a walk in the woods on an autumn morning. The trees were all turning. And I was walking with Ash. You looked radiant. You were wearing beige linen pants and a soft wine colored top. And you were holding up the branches so they wouldn't hit me in the face. You were showing me the way. As you have done so many times before. I woke up serene and happy.

Meal calendar update:

Hi again everyone,
I wanted to update the meal info again. I spoke with Ashley yesterday and she, Al and Sunny appreciate all the meals. Ashley said, "People have brought delicious food that we have all enjoyed immensely".

The three meals a week plan is working well. Two vegan meals and one non-vegan. For the non-vegan meals, I just found out that Sunny doesn't eat beef or pork. Also, would it be possible for folks delivering a meal to also deliver a bag of uncooked cruciferous vegetables to Ashley? Her nutritionist recommends several servings daily of cruciferous vegetables, with a lot of variety. Yesterday during her two hours of receiving intravenous vitamin C, she sat and prepared broccoli and kale for later in the day. If folks take a bag of uncooked vegetables, Ashley would enjoy preparing them.
These are cruciferous vegetables: kale, collard greens, chinese broccoli, cabbage, brussel sprouts, kohlrabi, broccoli, broccoflower, broccoli romanesco, cauliflower, wild broccoli, bok choy, mizuna, Rapini (broccoli rabe), flowering cabbage, chinese cabbage, napa cabbage, turnip root, greens, rutabaga, siberian kale, mustard greens, radish, daikon, horseradish, Real wasabi (not horseradish), arugula, watercress, garden cress, komatsuna. Please e-mail me if you have any questions. trcarter@med.unc.edu

Thanks,
Tanya

May Ashley be full of life, love, hope and peace. May she be free from pain and suffering. May Al be full of life, love, hope and peace. May he be free from pain and suffering. May Sunny be full of life, love, hope and peace. May she be free from pain and suffering. May Ashley and Al's families be full of life, love, hope and peace. May they be free from pain and suffering. May Ashley, Al and Sunny's friends be full of life, love, hope and peace. May they be free from pain and suffering. May they know when and how to be helpful to Ashley. May Ashley rest peacefully tonight. Give Ashley and Al strength for tomorrow. Amen

Thank you, Mayi

Mayi, This morning I saw some new red slippers sitting in the living room. I tried them and they felt good! (Not a common thing for my nerve-damaged feet.) I just asked Sunny where these slippers came from? She said, "Mayi." Thank you, my friend.
Ashley

Strength and Peace

Eternal Spirit, grant Ashley strength and peace.

—Strength to face the treatment plan she has chosen. Peace to live in the presence of uncertainty.

—Strength to be the wonderful mother that she has always been for her daughter. Peace in the knowledge that her daughter loves her and is strong enough to face her illness.

—Strength to listen with grace to the sometimes unhelpful, floundering words of her friends. Peace in knowing those words, though weak and ill-conceived, draw from a deep well of concern and hope.

—Strength to sustain her through pain and worry. Peace to sustain her through pain and worry.

Give Ashley these things, and give us the will to be the mediators of the gift.

Tenacity and Resolve

Tenacity, strength. We pray for these for Ashley. As her aching body begs for rest, let her resolve not weaken. God, I take comfort in the story of the mustard seed. In the gospels, Jesus tells his disciples that faith the size of a mustard seed is enough. I know Jesus himself must have doubted often. Could he really defy the powers of oppression? Could he keep going when everyone doubted? Would his sandals last all the way to Jerusalem? I'm sure that sometimes he felt too weak and too small to keep going. When he talked about faith the size of a mustard seed, he probably knew from experience.

Give Ashley the assurance that your love and our combined and growing faith is enough. Help her draw strength and resolve from those around her who are pouring their love into her healing.

Thank you, God, that when we find the courage to think deeply of Ashley's healing, we find you there, giving us strength and new resolve. Then we know that praying and thinking with and for Ash is sustaining us and her. We pray for more courage to ask, to pray, with even a little bit of faith--the size of a mustard seed.

Thank you Lord for the love that surrounds Ash. Thank you for the love that Ashley pours out, in her sharing and in her caring. Thank you because it all shows up in Sunny. In her strong mind and spirit. Lord we pray that everything that goes into Ashley's body (Chemo, Vitamin C, everything) work for your glory, for her healing. That every hand that touches her be your hand, holy and healing. And please bless her aching feet. Amen

The new, working dishwasher

I give thanks today for refreshing rain, loving friends and for the installation of Ashley's new dishwasher. Thank you for Caroline's efficiency and determination, for Eugene and availability and willingness to shuttle the new and old machines in his truck, for Israel who spent his Saturday afternoon installing it, for Walker who cheerfully learned and helped, and for all who are making the purchase possible. It was a joyful celebration when we turned it on and (surprise!) it worked! Cristobal, do you think you can publish us a picture? What about Sunny modeling like Vanna White and pointing to the panels?]
Even though Al insists that somebody could have fixed the old one, we were all thankful it was gone. Scooping the dirty water pooled in its bottom before we pulled it out, I felt I was getting rid of frustration and sickness. It was very symbolic. I wish we could do the same with Ashley's tumors.

I pray that you, God, Creator, Spirit of the Universe, will scoop those tumors out like dirty water. Scoop them out in some way. Through the power of the chemicals, the vitamin C, and the love and prayers that are lifted up daily.

We continue to pray for rest and healing as Ashley recovers from the chemo. Keep her from catching any colds or infections as this time of low resistance. We pray that the pain in her bones will decrease and that she will be able to sleep and recover quickly. Thank you for Amy's presence this weekend and her loving, tender care. She is an angel to our Ashley. Bless her with abundant grace and strength as she prepares food and mixes medicines and ministers to our friend.

Thank you, God, for your love, manifested through so many people. As we each pray in the name by which we know you, I pray in the name of Jesus. Amen

Prayer for rest and strength

God, forgive me for letting the hours go by without a centering thought, without a prayer. I forget that life is not about deadlines and impatient staff or students in crisis. It's about relating to each one and making a connection and remembering, as least for little bits of time, who I am and who are the people I love and need to think and pray about. Like Ashley.

Yesterday evening Ashley was already showing the ravages of chemo and having her arm poked dozens of times to put a "line" for the vitamin C. She was also worn out by the friends that are just finding out that she is sick again and can hardly hold themselves together until walking out the door. It's so exhausting to tell people and console people, even for me, and I'm not the one fighting for my life. Please, God, give Ashley rest and healing. Give her the strength to organize well-wishers and put them to work or to send them home when she needs to. Including me. Help her to feel the comfort of a soft bed and a soft pillow and a warm blanket and peace and quiet.

God, thank you for the couple that brought food to Ashley last night. The food was exactly what Ashley needed and the enthusiasm with which Sunny ate and pronounced it "fantastic" was a blessing. These women did more than feed Ashley nourishing food. They nourished her soul.

Today, I pray for rest and strength. Bless Ashley and surround her with your love. Amen

CHEMO UPDATE from Ashley

Hello All,

Al and I survived chemotherapy all right today. The intravenous benadryl makes me drunk in the silliest way (I have to stifle the giggles) and then I conk out for a few hours. Then I come to but am too groggy to do much but listen to music.

Today I listened to Nina Simone all day, to whom I was introduced by Howie and Trude in 1983 and it's been pure bliss ever since. I never get tired of Nina and for me, she works for every mood. I think, however, that today while wearing headphones I was singing along a little too loudly. People were looking at me and they weren't happy (not that people are all that happy in a chemo infusion room).

I feel the need to summarize the cancer treatments we're pursuing. First, we are doing conventional and caustic (to put it mildly) chemotherapy to try to put the cancer in remission. These drugs are carboplatin, taxol and avastin. That is all covered by insurance except for co-pays.

We are pursuing complementary therapies that are not covered by insurance and will add up to around $5000 over the next month. $4000 will be to receive 18 infusions of intravenous vitamin C. There are about a dozen research articles on the hostile environment extremely high levels of vitamin c in your plasma cause to cancer cells (while working no harm to healthy, noncancerous cells). See, e.g., this blog entry from Chapel Hillians Mark Mead, MSc and Michael Sharp, M.D.at <http://www.globalhealingoptions.com/Blog/Entries/2008/7/21_Entry_1.html>, where they reference much of this work.

The other uncovered costs are mostly nutritional, which I'll write about another time.

Speaking of nutritional therapies, the food everyone has been bringinghas been just amazing and much eaten and appreciated! Thank you.

Thank you for the dishwasher Carolina and others.

Thank you for everything.

Love,
Ashley

Keeping Ashley in the light

God, I guess you already know it's rained all day. We needed the rain, but it was sad to think of Ashley having to navigate the deluge to get to the hospital and thinking of her listening to the rain all day and all evening. Yes, I know there are wonderful things we ought to be thankful for today, but mostly, I'm sad and want to ask for some sunshine. Let there be a beautiful Carolina sky tomorrow for Ashley. Bless and heal her spirit as well as her body.

Thank you for the tornado-in-the-making not touching down. While Sofia hid in the basement bathroom waiting for the tornado watch to pass, I thought of my friend Ashley. She doesn't have a basement. Surely she wouldn't have to face chemotherapy and a tornado on the same day! I guess we are really fortunate in so many ways we don't even think of. We didn't have a tornado, or an explosion, or a major accident, ... but it's hard to be thankful for what didn't go wrong when we are facing such a difficult diagnosis. God, remind us of the incredible odds against human life developing out of chaos, the incredible odds against lasting friendships and love, and having just one perfect day. But we've had so many. So help Ashley beat the odds. Give her renewed strength and life so that she can continue to bless and be blessed. We treasure her and need her and pray tonight for her healing and for rest.

I pray also for Sunny's friend Emmett's surgery tomorrow. Heal him. Bless him, one of Ashley's many community children. Give them both comfort and rest. Amen.

Help welcomed, needed

Tonight I received this email from Trude:
Maria,I saw Ashley today and asked her whether we should try to
raise money to pay (or help pay) the $4,000 for her new
treatment. She reluctantly said yes --the cost has really been
bothering her...maybe we can think of some things we could do to
raise money.

So here is our appeal, in Trude's words:
Ashley has decided to try some complementary therapies that may strengthen the effects of her chemotherapy. She is feeling hopeful and excited about this, but insurance won't cover these kinds of alternative treatments. The $4,000 cost is putting extra pressure on her, so we are letting you know that donations of any amount would help a lot to relieve some of that stress."

I am comfortable collecting (picking up)checks to give to Ashley and
Al, but of course contributions can also be mailed to them directly to 415 Patterson Place, Chapel Hill, NC 27516.

PLEASE know that we don't want anyone to feel guilty if they cannot contribute. This is just a good place to let everyone know that help is needed and welcomed.
____________

God, it's been such a loooong day. Thank you that Ashley felt up to walking the dog this afternoon. We pray for her response to this treatment. Make it effective and healing.

I feel sad and like a traitor because I'm falling asleep and can't even pray any longer. Hear my quiet longing, loving God, and accept my tired prayer. You know what Ashley needs. No amount of wakefulness on our part can help our friend tonight, but you can. Please heal her and comfort her and give her rest. I ask for grace, as Ashley's friend. Amen

In prayer

As Ashley gets infused with more vitamin c, we pray again, Creator and Healer, for her body and spirit to heal. Heal her wounded pride and help her be proud of blessing us with the opportunity to serve and be useful. Help her to realize that sharing her struggles has enriched us all and made us better people. It's a wisdom and a newfound appreciation for life and friendship that makes each day precious. We feel blessed just because our lives have intersected with hers and now we realized how much better we are for it. How we are better persons and better friends. Thank you, God, for Ashley. We ask for healing that she may have many years to continue living and blessing just by being herself. Thank you for gifting us with Ashley, Al and Sunny.
And thanks for the new dishwasher Caroline is ordering today. Help us get it paid for and set up without creating a major disruption for Ashley. Selfishly, I realize that I'd rather be needed and drop by to wash dishes and fuss at Al for not keeping the kitchen spotless and disinfected. Giving Ash and Al the equipment to do their own dishes and not have to put up with well-meaning helpers is the right thing to do. Help me know that even when I'm not there being useful, I can continue to lift them up in prayer and love. Amen

saw a hawk

Remembering to be mindful on my way to get coffee, I paused to find out what two students who were looking up into a tree had seen. It was a hawk. After admiring it for some time, I went and got my coffee. As I walked back, I looked again for the hawk. I wasn't the only one who'd gone off to find breakfast. The hawk was on a different branch, eating. It was an impressive sight.

A response from Ashley

From Ashley:
I went to bed last night at 9 p.m., thinking this would go well with my problem of waking up at 4 a.m. every morning. If my first try at this is any gauge, it turns out that waking at 4 a.m. isn't my new normal, rather it's my mind's problem with checking out for more than five hours. So I was up with a lot on my mind at 2 a.m. I've read all your emails and responded to a few. My poor sister, she gets my grief unadulterated. At the same time, Janey gets to see (rather than just hear about) how improved I am between 1 a.m. and 5 a.m. after being washed by waves and waves of love from you all. All the gifts that are pouring in are too much for my pride. (Cancer is too much for my pride, too.) I know I need to accept both with as much improbable grace as I can muster. So I want to say that all the love and sheer mobilization on my, Al and Sunny's behalf are helping us a great deal and we will forever be grateful.
August 26, 2008 2:12 AM

from Caroline

Caroline said...
As Maria noted today, Ashley's dishwasher has stopped working and is in pieces in the laundry room. I have also been thinking the old one was beyond repair. After researching Consumer Reports and other on-line dishwasher reviews and consulting with Maria, we have decided to order a highly ranked Whirlpool from Best Buy tomorrow. It will cost just under $400. (Maria may know someone who can do the installation.) If everything goes well, she may have a new DW by the weekend!!Any local friends who have also been doing dishes at the McSurely Osment household and would like to help pay for this as a gift to Ashley, please contact me. Thanks, Caroline Sherman
csherman@nc.rr.com

Getting Specific

I'm glad Matthew made Ashley laugh. I knew Ms. Hertle had to be an inside joke, and apparently it is a good one.
I went by Ashley's today to report on the errands I had run at her request. The report from the Vitamin C infusion is positive. Few (and short-lived) miserable side effects. Renewed hope. More of it tomorrow. While Ashley and I went over lists, Benji helped Sunny select pictures for a collage. Or at least they laughed at the pictures together, though from Benji's description, none would be suitable for Sunny's folder. There's the one where Sunny and Sofia are laughing hysterically on the porch...stark naked. Of course they're only about one year-old, but you wouldn't want that on you school folder. Then there's the picture of Sunny spreading about half a bottle of sun screen all over herself. Benji (17) and Sunny (11) were laughing like old folks looking at the "good ol' days." It seems like yesterday, but it also feels like a lifetime ago. So much living in so little time.

So, I'm going to pray very specifically tonight. Whether you light a candle or sound a bell,please join me,

Spirit, help Ashley respond to the vitamin c treatment. We pray for amazing results. We bless the doctor who is treating her and ask for wisdom and insight for the medical professionals who are working with her this week. Guide Ashley as she makes decisions. Help her to feel the healing and the hope as her body responds. Provide the means to pay for this treatment.

Ashley needs a new dish washer. I pray for one of those wonderful coincidences that count as miracles in my book, where somebody knows somebody who is getting rid of an almost-new dishwasher. God, I believe that the miracle of the loaves and fishes could be repeated in any church or synagogue today... if we each presented you with what we have, it would be enough. When your people are moved to generosity, there is enough. I pray that Maggie will find a good dishwasher at the Habitat store, or that my friend in Greensboro will come up with something, or perhaps we'll find one in Craig's list. Thanks for Eugene, who is ready with his truck to pick it up. God, I feel better just praying publicly about this. It's not my worry any more. Even if Ashley is "mildly horrified" when she reads this, it's out there. So now, it's OUR dishwasher we're looking for. And you are helping us and guiding us and helping us provide.

Please help Ashley to feel our love and concern and to forgive our intrusion into her private life. Give us grace and help us to respect the privacy and rest she needs as much as she needs our help. Bless her with joy and laughter.

While we're praying for healing, we pray for the US and for the National Democratic Convention. Bless Michelle and Barack and protect them from lunatics and fanatics. Heal the rifts within the party and across racial lines.
And forgive me for bringing politics into this blog.
Amen.

mindful

My coffee and and cream this morning made me wakeful but not mindful.

Pausing to appreciate the joy of friends like Ashley, the beauty of this campus, and the bright future of all the shining young faces streaming to and from their classes was an exercise in mindfulness.

Did you admire the clouds yesterday? Has a tree blessed you with its shade this summer? Have you thanked a friend for joining you at a meal?

Tomorrow I will let my coffee serve as a reminder to be mindful.

Can You Make a Payment Today?

A special poem for Ashley.

This is a tale of Ms. Hertel
Who could always tell the smell of a ne'er-do-well
She'd call your phone and ring your bell
Did she think she was, just who the hell?

Vitamin C

I'm praying tonight that Ashley's infusion of Vitamin C is a success. Creator, you know every cell in our bodies; I pray that every cell in Ashley's body will respond in a way that will bring healing. We claim a miracle that will be written up in journals and pave the way for more healing and advances in the treatment of cancer. I pray that Ashley will be able to relax and let our love support her and bring her comfort.

God, thank you for the teachers, counselors, administrators and staff that have worked hard to prepare for the first day of school tomorrow. Bless Sunny, and all the children in our community who are starting school. May 6th grade be the best yet for Sunny. Keep her challenged and nurtured and help her to continue being the beautiful, positive, justice-loving child that she is. Protect her from the stupidity of middle school and help her enjoy the fun and wonderful opportunities she'll have. Give Ashley, Al and Sunny a restful night. Amen.

Crêpes

Last week on Sunday I went to a brunch with friends. We cooked--others cooked; I contributed ingredients--a delicious spread including heart-shaped veggie sausage patties. After we finished eating we played a board game and chatted. There was a great collection of people who all knew two or three other people there but were meeting the rest for the first time. We all had such a good time that we decided to make it a regular event. This Sunday I was charged with bringing the juice and the whip cream. Some faces were familiar from the week before; others were new to me. Jet (one of our hosts) made us crêpes, which we kept praising effusively.

As we sat and ate, I found myself thinking about Ashley. My family's connection to hers often has a meal as a backdrop in my mind. I find myself thinking about Vimala, a common friend who cooks amazing idlis and chutney. I find myself thinking about Weaver Street, where I often run into Ashley and where I've seen live music on the lawn twice this week.

I'm remembering a hamburger dinner at Ashley's house not terribly long ago. I'm remembering a growler of beer shared around her table. Perhaps everything looks so picturesque and happy because my memory is fuzzy enough that the above is about as detailed as my memory gets, but I remain convinced that cooking and eating food with friends is one of the great pleasures we don't appreciate enough in the moment. It doesn't matter if the conversation is awkward or the food cold. It doesn't matter if the bugs are out or the dog in and underfoot: if there is food and others around to share it with, stop to reflect. Stop and hold the joy of food, friends and sharing in your mind.

Holding Ashley in the Light

A quaker friend has promised to hold Ashley "in the Light." I love that expression. I can picture the beam of God's light illuminating everything around where Ashley walks, bathing her in light.

In Church today we had a hymn sing. Lots of people just enjoyed making music and telling stories. We sang and prayed, and reminded each other that music is part of our praying. Leandra, our music minister, prayed a beautiful prayer in between verses of "Near to the Hear of God" which truly touched me. I asked her if I could share her prayer with out blog, so here it is:

Prayer:
Holy One
We have so many loves--this world, our home,
the people to whom we are close, and time with them
for some of us, school
for some, work
for some, sports
for some, making music
the miracle of birth and the coming of Joshua [a new church baby] to our world and our community

our hearts overflow with warmth and gratitude

too, our hearts overflow with care
for people we love
for our nation
for the world, the peace of her peoples, the salvation of the earth
for ourselves, intimately connected in the web of all that is

we name now Ashley, who needs care--ours and yours

hold all who wait near your heart.

If you don't know the song, maybe you can still get an idea of why it seemed so appropriate to be praying and singing this song this morning. The last verse says:
There is a place of quiet rest, near to the heart of God;
a place where all is joy and peace, near to the heart of God
O Jesus, blest Redeemer, sent from the heart of God,
hold us who wait before you near to the heart of God.

I find this image of the Light, the heart of God, to be very calming as we wait for tests, for treatments, for answers. Suffering and uncertainty abound, but there is also beauty and love. Let's hold each other in the Light. Amen

A beautiful Saturday

Thank you God, for Sunny's soccer tournament that got us all out and helped Ashley enjoy the day. Thanks for the coaches, the refs, the fans and the great weather. Help our girls continue to thrive and to feel good about themselves.

Strengthen Ashley as she prepares for a week of treatments. We pray that everything that she tries will work for good and will further her healing. Fill her with hope and strength and peace.

Thank you God for small and big answers to prayer. For people signing up for meals; for a peaceful space at a neighbor's house away from the construction noise; for unexpected gifts and unexpected expressions of love and concern. Bless the giving. Bless Ashley tonight. Give her rest and a good night's sleep. Amen.

I give thanks this morning for the rain and the wet earth and the many birds and squirrels and other animals celebrating outside my window this morning. What a luxury of green! The leaves cover my view and I can't even see the neighbor's house. I feel rich in nature. I wish I could share this with those around the world who struggle in draught-stricken areas. Why is it, God, that we can't share fairly? So many of us would like to give Ashley a little bit of the health we enjoy. This morning, through this prayer, please take our love and our bodies as an offering for Ashley. In this cosmic order which seems more like chaos, I know that love does make a difference. I know that as I think about her and pray for her there is a healing that happens. Maybe this is the best I can do to share. God, make it enough for today. Give Ashley another day of improving health. Bless her with joy. Amen.

Meals for Ashley

Hi all,I spoke with Ashley last night and asked her about folks taking meals to them. She thought it would be a good idea to have a couple of meals brought each week. She is currently eating a vegan diet so it would be best for people to use vegan recipes. Meals that are not too spicy would be best as folks receiving chemotherapy often have a very sensitive stomach and spicy foods can be difficult to handle.A meal calendar has been created and the web link is:http://freecal.brownbearsw.com/OsmentTo use the calendar:Click on the actual date then enter your text message. Click create event. Then click on View calendar in the upper left-hand corner to make sure your text has been added. As you decide on a meal to prepare it may be helpful to add a simple dish description to the meal calendar so that the next people signing up can see what has already been taken to Ash and family.Ashley has found a really good vegan cookbook called (“Veganomicon- the Ultimate Vegan Cookbook” by Isa Chandra Moskowitz and Terry Hope Romero)I found a website that has a lot of the "Veganomicon" recipes.The website is:peppertree.wordpress.com/Many recipes can also be found by searching "vegan recipes".If any of you know of other folks who would like to receive this email, please forward it to them.Questions? Please email Tanya Carter-Reichle at trcarter@med.unc.eduor call 919-417-3651.Thanks,Tanya

It's taken more than an hour to log back on to this blog. Technically impaired as I am, I kept trying to call Cristobal to help me figure it out. I stopped, took a deep breath, and decided I would sit here and try everything I knew and start over each time it failed. I think I finally posted Ashley's note after 9 tries. So, this morning, I thank God for my stubborness, which sometimes helps me overcome my limitations. I know it's annoying, and I ask Ash to forgive me for displaying it so often in trying to be helpful. I pray God will help me know when to be stubborn.

God, creator and friend, thanks for Ash and her extended circle of friends. Bless her today and help her deal with loosing her beautiful new curls. Give her new curls after her chemo is done.
Today, please shrink the tumors some more. Please heal her body enable it to fight the cancer.
If we are going to get rain, make it a refreshing one that blesses Ashley's soul. Thank you for rain and for clean water. Amen

FROM ASHLEY

Much Love
As my hair is falling out, I mourn the loss of my lovely curls. You read all the time how some people with cancer believe their diagnosis was some sort of blessing in disguise. Me, I mostly just liked the new curls. Not much else about this I’d call a blessing.

So many people have brought us food, gifts, cards, haircuts, foot massages, elbow grease, this blog, books and other well wishes. So very many have called, written and emailed. A nutritionist we met with yesterday veered from his field just a little (it was fine) and tried to impress upon me the importance of hope. He suggested a message for me to jot down and put up around the house: “I am deeply, deeply loved.” I don’t need to post this to know it is true.
Much love,Ashley

Hola

I thank God for sitting on the porch and eating bean salad. I thank God for sharing stories about our children. I thank God for loving our dogs. I thank God for carpooling to soccer. I thank God for yesterday with Ashley.

Good Morning Ashley!

Well this is my first post to the blog and I hope everyone, and Ashley especially, is having a good morning. What makes me happiest when I get up is the garden, so I'll write about that. We took our lab Murray for a walk through Trinity Park this morning and visited with all the other neighborhood doggies that we see on our romps. It's been a nice cool morning and the grass was still wet from the overnight dew.

I was thinking about Ashley this morning while I picked tomatoes--know how much you and Sunny love garden 'maters. We have a volunteer squash that came out of the compost pile and I still haven't identified. It's not something we've planted ever before. The squash are pale green with white stripes and they taste like butter, so tasty!! There's nothing better than garden surprises. The vines are over 20 feet long now and we're trying to teach them to share and play nice with everything else in the beds. Ashley, I hope you have a chance to look at all the pretty summer flowers blooming around town today. Enjoy the day, we're thinking about you with lots of love.

Big Legged Women Unite

It was a joy and privilege to see Ashley, Sunny, and Al this weekend in Asheville. I was so excited to have her in the audience at the Womansong concert...knowing I could sing to her and for her in person. Perhaps she received my message from the stage, pointing directly at her, that "You'll Never Walk Alone". There is one prayer I keep sending to my dear Ashley who sooooo inspires me (and half the Big Legged Women in North Carolina)...and that is that she is not alone. Our love and thoughts go with her everywhere like a sweet blanket to cuddle up into.

There is only one woman I know who can take on the big social injustice bullies of the world, cuss them out under her breath with a few well timed S**T and F**K, and smile that beautiful sweet smile of hers all the while. She's a great kind of woman to be!

Virtual hugs to her all day long ...until I see her again in September.
Althea