God,
I'm praying and writing and erasing. All my prayers these last couple of days sound like a broken record: Heal Ashley, please. Please heal Ashley. Would you please remember to heal Ashley? You must be bored. I'm having trouble writing with feeling and poetry and passion. Truthfully, I don't want to feel passion of any kind right now. I don't want to think too deeply or feel too much,I want it to be a normal day. Back to the old normal--before Ashley was ever diagnosed with cancer. I'm sure Ashley has felt this spiritual and emotional tiredness, this barrier. In the last couple of days, we almost sound like things are normal. We discuss blood work and chemo outlook, soccer practice and the possibility of making it to the Freedom Songs show on Thursday, and it sounds so routine. And then I ask "do you need something?" And of course she says she's ok.
God, help me to be emotionally present. Help us, the friends that surround Ashley, to be willing and able to cry and feel, that our prayers may be real. Give us the strength and the words to express our fears and our faith. Give us the understanding to walk this journey and not be stuck looking back. Help us to accept this new normal, where there is pain and fear, but there is also unbelievable courage and love and healing.
God, I pray for Ashley's mom. Grandbobbi needs healing too. Ashley says it was a small stroke and she's home today and recovering, but her vision may be affected (residual stuff). God, this is really, really bad timing. Ms. Osment looked so healthy and cheerful last weekend, and now she's struggling to regain her "normal" too. Can you please heal her quickly? I know this also sounds superficial and repetitive, but I don't know how else to ask. I'm going to try to do like the psalmist. Bear with me. I bet David had lots of drafts and unpublished psalms. I'll take confort in knowing I'm trying to pray honestly and that you know this. Please hear my prayer.
God, we need you!
Your children are sick and need healing.
Ashley is suffering from tumors that give her pain,
Ms. Osment has just had a stroke.
The family is tired and stretched and needs strength.
You have healed many before. We have witnessed your miracles.
You have shown your love and power.
Remember the Osments. They have served you and their communities
They have fought for justice and brought hope to others.
Bring healing to their family, that we may rejoice and celebrate.
Hear our prayers, Creator God and and we will forever declare
the miracle that took place
and share your love and grace with those who need it.
Give us faith, give us peace. Amen.
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Maria blogged about my mother having a small stroke last week. At first my parents thought Mom had had a migraine that had affected her vision. Fortunately they didn't rely on their best guess and Mom got a serious wake up call that she has to be vigilant about her blood pressure. For most of her life, she's had great blood pressue. She's fit, active and healthy, so it was easy to resent/ignore the nascent blood pressure problem her doctors told her she had a few years ago. No more. Now it's time for medication daily. She's disciplined so I know she'll stay on top of it. I'm not worried. (Initially I was, I kept yelling at Tim, "Wait, our mother had a stroke?") Our youngest sibling, Matthew, flew in from Austin TX, to help Mom and Daddy adjust to all this.
Matt's great. When last year's chemotherapy was trying to kill me, Matt visited, reorganized our whole kitchen, made Sunny four birthday cakes for a mammouth sports birthday party she was having for her 11th birthday, helped me cull books for the thriftshop, bought me an Ipod and loaded it up with loads of great music (to hear Matt's band, google Twanguero) and, to me, said all the right things. So, I'm happy for Mom and Dad. Getting Matthew up there is a damn good consolation prize after a serious diagnosis.
As for things here for the Osment-McSurely family, we couldn't be more grateful for all the meals people are bringing. Since Tanya and Nancy set up the food delivery, we have been in culinary heaven. These dinners make possible the hands-down favorite part of my life -- supper with Sunny and Al. Sunny sits at the head of the table, flanked by Al and me. I sit closest to the kitchen because I neurotically get up for napkins, different silverware, dishes as they're ready to be served and other such. Sunny regales us with stories of her day, Al gets out of his revolutionary head, and I relax and laugh and revel in how much I love my family.
Sunny has started bringing her classroom math work and her extracurricular math superstars work downstairs for her and Al to enjoy together. She and Al rock out talking through concepts and logic that loses me nearly immediately. What doesn't lose me is that this old guy and his youngest daughter are laughing, complimenting each other, outsmarting each other for a good hour and it's just so fun for everyone. I swear their relationship will stay strong forever if they keep math in the mix.
I had seven hours of conventional chemo today (taxol, carboplatin and avastin) and am in fullswing with the Vitamin C regimen at home (six infusions per week). The contributions that flowed in for the Vitamin C were humbling, much appreciated and just may be working. Thank you everyone.
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