morning gatha

waking up this morning, i smile.
twenty-four brand new hours are before me.
i vow to live fully present in every moment
and look upon all beings with eyes of compassion.

--thich nhat hanh


p.s. "all beings" includes ourselves..........

Thank you, God, for laughter. Thank you for Sunny's homework and her smarts and her joy in learning. Thank you for Al's love of life and intellectual curiosity and willingness to always engage in challenging conversations and difficult problems, whether social or mathematical. Please keep him strong and healthy. Keep Sunny strong and healthy.

God, I pray that you build up Ashley's strength. We ask that she may continue to enjoy her family and every precious moment of laughter and joy for a long, long time. We ask that she may grow old with us...slowly and joyfully. We even pray for Luna, who is definitely not Marble, but is a faithful companion and always willing to run along with Ashley. Keep them both safe in their runs.

God, we pray for the chemotherapy to continue to be effective. I hate the side effects, from the cought to the nausea, to the hair loss, but I thank you that these drugs are working to rid Ashley of the tumors. I pray that this week will be one of enormous healing. I pray that Ashley's blood counts won't tank. Use the vitamin C and all the good food so lovingly prepared to strengthen all the good cells. May your love and care surround Ashley and bring her rest and healing today. Amen

FROM ASHLEY

Maria blogged about my mother having a small stroke last week. At first my parents thought Mom had had a migraine that had affected her vision. Fortunately they didn't rely on their best guess and Mom got a serious wake up call that she has to be vigilant about her blood pressure. For most of her life, she's had great blood pressue. She's fit, active and healthy, so it was easy to resent/ignore the nascent blood pressure problem her doctors told her she had a few years ago. No more. Now it's time for medication daily. She's disciplined so I know she'll stay on top of it. I'm not worried. (Initially I was, I kept yelling at Tim, "Wait, our mother had a stroke?") Our youngest sibling, Matthew, flew in from Austin TX, to help Mom and Daddy adjust to all this.

Matt's great. When last year's chemotherapy was trying to kill me, Matt visited, reorganized our whole kitchen, made Sunny four birthday cakes for a mammouth sports birthday party she was having for her 11th birthday, helped me cull books for the thriftshop, bought me an Ipod and loaded it up with loads of great music (to hear Matt's band, google Twanguero) and, to me, said all the right things. So, I'm happy for Mom and Dad. Getting Matthew up there is a damn good consolation prize after a serious diagnosis.

As for things here for the Osment-McSurely family, we couldn't be more grateful for all the meals people are bringing. Since Tanya and Nancy set up the food delivery, we have been in culinary heaven. These dinners make possible the hands-down favorite part of my life -- supper with Sunny and Al. Sunny sits at the head of the table, flanked by Al and me. I sit closest to the kitchen because I neurotically get up for napkins, different silverware, dishes as they're ready to be served and other such. Sunny regales us with stories of her day, Al gets out of his revolutionary head, and I relax and laugh and revel in how much I love my family.

Sunny has started bringing her classroom math work and her extracurricular math superstars work downstairs for her and Al to enjoy together. She and Al rock out talking through concepts and logic that loses me nearly immediately. What doesn't lose me is that this old guy and his youngest daughter are laughing, complimenting each other, outsmarting each other for a good hour and it's just so fun for everyone. I swear their relationship will stay strong forever if they keep math in the mix.

I had seven hours of conventional chemo today (taxol, carboplatin and avastin) and am in fullswing with the Vitamin C regimen at home (six infusions per week). The contributions that flowed in for the Vitamin C were humbling, much appreciated and just may be working. Thank you everyone.

still praying

God,
I'm praying and writing and erasing. All my prayers these last couple of days sound like a broken record: Heal Ashley, please. Please heal Ashley. Would you please remember to heal Ashley? You must be bored. I'm having trouble writing with feeling and poetry and passion. Truthfully, I don't want to feel passion of any kind right now. I don't want to think too deeply or feel too much,I want it to be a normal day. Back to the old normal--before Ashley was ever diagnosed with cancer. I'm sure Ashley has felt this spiritual and emotional tiredness, this barrier. In the last couple of days, we almost sound like things are normal. We discuss blood work and chemo outlook, soccer practice and the possibility of making it to the Freedom Songs show on Thursday, and it sounds so routine. And then I ask "do you need something?" And of course she says she's ok.

God, help me to be emotionally present. Help us, the friends that surround Ashley, to be willing and able to cry and feel, that our prayers may be real. Give us the strength and the words to express our fears and our faith. Give us the understanding to walk this journey and not be stuck looking back. Help us to accept this new normal, where there is pain and fear, but there is also unbelievable courage and love and healing.

God, I pray for Ashley's mom. Grandbobbi needs healing too. Ashley says it was a small stroke and she's home today and recovering, but her vision may be affected (residual stuff). God, this is really, really bad timing. Ms. Osment looked so healthy and cheerful last weekend, and now she's struggling to regain her "normal" too. Can you please heal her quickly? I know this also sounds superficial and repetitive, but I don't know how else to ask. I'm going to try to do like the psalmist. Bear with me. I bet David had lots of drafts and unpublished psalms. I'll take confort in knowing I'm trying to pray honestly and that you know this. Please hear my prayer.
God, we need you!
Your children are sick and need healing.
Ashley is suffering from tumors that give her pain,
Ms. Osment has just had a stroke.
The family is tired and stretched and needs strength.

You have healed many before. We have witnessed your miracles.
You have shown your love and power.
Remember the Osments. They have served you and their communities
They have fought for justice and brought hope to others.
Bring healing to their family, that we may rejoice and celebrate.
Hear our prayers, Creator God and and we will forever declare
the miracle that took place
and share your love and grace with those who need it.
Give us faith, give us peace. Amen.

Apology Accepted

I called Ashley today to apologize for not keeping this blog updated. She said "apology not necessary." After visiting her on Wednesday and making arrangements for the delivery, via Mayi, of a new (and hopefully comfortable) hat specially made for her by Christie Minchew (www.sweetbriarstudio.biz), I went home to try to stop a headache from developing into a full-blown migrane. I failed. Only a couple of hours ago I started to feel normal again. I was so excited to be able to turn on the light in my office and actually get some work done, that I stayed way past quitting time. Two of my students, Victor and Kerwin, waited for me to make sure I got to my car safely.They had been in the Multicultural Center for the first meeting of our Hispanic soccer team and then sat and played chess until I was ready to leave. I wondered why they were worrying about me so much, when I remembered they were two of the guys who changed my tire last friday. Today they carried my basket and computer to the car and told me to drive carefully. "Nos vemos manana, maestra." [See you tomorrow, teacher] It was a wonderful feeling of being valued. I wanted to tell thank them for just being two wonderful students and letting me be a part of their amazing lives. Two young immigrants who have faced oppressive circumstances and are sweet, kind, caring and very funny. Plus they are honors students.

I'm not sure how all this relates to Ashley's healing, but it has brought healing to me, so I'm sharing it. I'm just glad to have a job and have wonderful students to work for and with. And to be migrane free right now. And I guess that's what I wish for Ashley. To be cancer-free and pain-free and stand amazed at how wonderful it is to be valued and cared for in small but important ways.

Thank you, God, for the beautiful Carolina sky. It has been an amazing day, even if the headache didn't let me stand in the sunshine and soak it in this morning. Thank you that this weekend we celebrate the UN International Day of Peace. I pray for peace in our schools and universities. I pray for peace in the Democratic Republic of Congo, in Darfur and in Bolivia. I pray for peace for the victims of war and of natural disasters. I pray for peace in our homes.
Help me to work for peace and not to dispair when progress is so hard to see.

Tonight, I ask for peace for Ashley. Grant her faith to believe in her healing and faith to believe in our love and our prayers. Remind her that miracles are always undeserved and that there is nothing she can or needs to do to earn the right to be healed. God, could we ever be good enough for all we have already received? Help us just rejoice in the totally underserved beauty of today and in the love of those around us. Bless and heal Ashley. I ask today in the name of your Son Jesus, healer, and prince of peace. Amen.

Faith and grace to face setbacks

God, You already know Ashley has received news today that her blood counts are not good enough to do chemotherapy on Monday. She's disappointed. We wanted no apparent set-backs, only full-steam ahead.

What do you think, God? Does this have to be bad? Medically, I guess it's not news we wanted to hear. But I'm asking you to make it all work together for good. Can you use this delay? Ashley really wants the tests on Monday to show improvement. Perhaps even to allow the chemotherapy to proceed.

God, I trust in the infinite wisdom of the Universe. Most of the time. Today, despite setbacks and bad news, help us to exercise faith. I know that Ashley's life is precious. I believe that her healing is a gift we are all receiving. Give her the reassurance and determination and strength she needs as this miracle unfolds. Bless her with rest and heal her body as she sleeps tonight. Bless her as she travels to Raleigh for treatment on Thursday. Bless Sunny and Al. May your Spirit of Healing and Love fill their home. Amen.

Ashley's Garden

This email was received from Elizabeth today:
Hello out there, Ashley/Al/Sunny Cosmic Fan Club--
I'm sure some of you have heard Ashley make the comment that she wants to plant a perennial garden with some fruit trees. It was the one thing she told me soon after she got the news of the recurrence. So a good friend of mine, who is a professional landscaper, is making some beds in front of the house. She and I went over and met with Ashley a week or so ago to work out a design. My thinking is that some of you all may have gardens of your own with some plants you want to divide this fall, and that you might get a kick out of contributing a little plant or shrub or two to the mix. I've seen a fewbulbs on her counter sent from well-wishers, so this may already be happening. Ashley also wants to plant a fig tree or some other type of fruit tree as well. If you're interested in this project, it may well take very little coordination. Once we get the beds put in, people can just bring stuff byand put it in the ground. So let me know if you want on this train, and I'll email you the design plan. If there's one of you out there with superb technical know-how, like Tanya with her meal calendar website, who might volunteer to put the design plan on a website that we could all go to and fill in when we've planted something, chime in!Elizabeth M. Haddix (emhaddix@embarqmail.com)

I (Maria) would like to add:
I'm TERRIBLE with plants, which is so ironic, because my mom is a landscape architect and I went to every garden show and every nursery in the city, if not the country, when I was growing up. What I can do is help somebody who can tell me exactly what to do and can supervise so I don't mess anything up. I know Ashley has some friends that may not want to carry stuff, get in the dirt, etc. I can meet them at the house and follow their instructions. Let me know if anyone needs help. I'd love to feel useful and see a plant I've helped with actually grow. Maria (mtpalmer@ncat.edu)

GOD, THANK YOU for the beauty of plants and for the love of friends. Bless Ashley and please continue to obliterate those tumors. May your healing and love be felt by Ashley today. Amen.

Thanks, Ashley

It's been so good to have the good news of Ashley's improving health to boost our thoughts and prayer. I believe it's the combination--the incredibly powerful mix of everyone's different ways of loving and hoping and praying and doing---all directed at Ashley's healing, that is having a wonderful positive effect. Let's keep it up! We cannot get lazy. Let's all keep praying. We will just have to keep being a force for healing together. For Ashley.

Last night our dog, Reilley, who was a gift from Ashley six years ago (her cat, Batman, almost blinded him, so she had to find him a safe home), got sick. We spent a terrible night watching him act paranoid, refuse to eat, run in circles, tremble, etc. etc. After much research, I was thinking that Reilley was having a hallucinogenic reaction (a bad trip?). I found a Hickory nut he had chewed which was mouldy. Or maybe it was mushrooms. Anyway, the symptoms were there.This morning there seemed to be some improvement, so even though Reilley had not slept all night, I took the kids to church. As I was leaving church, I fell apart--we'll blame it on a moving sermon and a sleepless night--and called Ashley. My friend, with Sunny and Al in tow, came by after Sunny's soccer game to give me comfort and advice.

I just want to say THANKS to Ash for teaching me to love an animal and helping me understand what my grandmother meant when she said that more dogs were going to heaven than people. And thank, Ashley, for bringing Reilley into our lives, and for coming over to check him out.

Thank you, God, for love. For the love of friends who bring wholeness and laughter into our lives. For the love of our families and especially of our children, for the love of our pets who give us tireless and selfless devotion, and for your love. We pray knowing that we are just a speck, yet we are part of a beautiful interconnected world that you declared GOOD. We thank you for a beautiful day of worship, soccer and healing. Please continue to heal Reilley and Ashley. We ask that you continue to shrink the tumors and clear her lungs. Bless Ashley, Al and Sunny tonight and give them rest.
Amen

ps. I bet Jesus healed some animals too. The gospel writers just forgot to record it.

metta, or loving-kindness meditation

there are short versions and long versions of metta, or loving-kindness meditation. they are recited using "may I," "may you," "may all sentient beings," "may some specific person," "may..."

May I be peaceful, happy, and light in body and spirit.
May I be safe and free from injury.
May I be free from anger, fear, and anxiety.

May I learn to look at myself with the eyes of understanding and love.
May I be able to recognize and touch the seeds of joy and happiness in myself.
May I learn to identify and see the sources of anger, craving, and delusion in myself.

May I know how to nourish the seeds of joy in myself every day.
May I be able to live fresh, solid, and free.
May I be free from attachment and aversion, but not be indifferent.

or, a shorter one --

May I be held in compassion.
May my pain and sorrow be eased.
May I be at peace.

or, a longer one --

May all be well and secure,
May all beings be happy.

Whatever living creatures there be,
Without exception, weak or strong,
Long, huge or middle-sized,
Or short, minute or bulky,

Whether visible or invisible,
And those living far or near,
The born and those seeking birth,
May all beings be happy

Let none deceive another
Or despise any being in any state;
Let none wish others harm
In resentment or in hate

Just as with her own life
A mother shields her child,
her only child, from hurt
Let all-embracing thoughts
For all beings be yours.

Cultivate a limitless heart of goodwill
For all throughout the cosmos,
In all its height, depth and breadth --
Love that is untroubled
And beyond hatred or enmity.

As you stand, walk, sit or lie,
So long as you are awake,
Pursue this awareness with your might:
It is deemed the Divine Abiding -- here and now.

you are in my meditation and prayer, ashley -- and al -- and sunny!

Early Saturday

Dear God,
My father might say this is an ungodly hour and I should be in bed sleeping, which would be better for me and the universe, he would argue, than praying. I would be asleep if I could be. Two things keep waking me up: Ashley and immigration. God, are you as upset reading the N&O as I am? I'm having a hard time thinking of Sheriff Bissell of Johnston County as one of your children, yet I'm sure he can be a kind and caring man. To some people. But immigrants, he calls "trash." To a reporter. Knowing that his remarks are going to be published. Like all the elected politicians who knew racial hatred would get them elected 40 years ago...only now it's persecuting "aliens" that gets you votes. You have had a lot to say about how we treat the aliens, haven't you, God?

I missed Ashley so much yesterday. I sat in the meeting of the Governor's Advisory Council for Hispanic/Latino Affairs and heard the inspiring words of your prophet, Rev.Dr. Barber. I saw how many people were ready to lay their jobs on the line to speak up against this injustice when he finished speaking. Even individual members of the Council responded with passion to his call. And the council voted to do...almost nothing! They will send a letter to the Governor offering to convene a meeting in Johnston County. God, why am I not in this council? Why am I in some Nursing Scholars' Commission, where I do almost nothing myself, instead of speaking out on something I know about, or at least trying to... why did the Council let the nice Anglo bureaucrat talk them into "letting the commissioners have an opportunity to do the right thing..." How long should we wait?

It was deja vu, all over again, God. Remember when I sat, fuming and crying inside in the State Board of Education meetings? I would have to leave the Board room and call Ashley and tell her what was going on and strategize together. I would have resigned so many times if she had not given me her clear-headed advice.

So this prayer needs to wrap up, God, because it's getting complicated and I'll end up deleting it and Ashley's friends won't be able to read it and pray with me. I"m trying to get to the point, God: I need Ashley, and so does the work of justice. Your justice. I felt handicapped yesterday. If Ash had been at work, she might not have been able to help me anyway. Probably wouldn't have answered the phone. But she would have called back. But when I thought of calling her to strategise I thought of her tiredness, of her needing all her energy to run Sunny's birthday--by the way, THANK YOU, God, for Sunny and for her birthday and boundless energy---back to the point: Ashley needs to get better, stronger, healthy. I just want to remind you that she is a force of nature that You set out to do good. Restore her to health and fill her with righteous indignation and give her the energy to provide her thoughtful, calm and wise advice. I ask in the name of Jesus, who gave his life to liberate the oppressed and proclaim your justice. And in the name of all the "aliens"--your children--who are living in fear and need more advocates. Tu hija, maritere.

Amen

As I always sing to the kids at night...Amen, Amen our hearts cry, his word is true, all that the Lord has said, he will do.

Thank you. Thank you for this road to recovery for Ash and all her family and friends, because as we all pray we are united in healing. May it cover Ashley, Al and Sunny. May all your miracles be evident and clear. May we have the eyes to see your love. Amen

Thank you, God

I'm still walking a few inches above ground and thanking God for the miracle that is taking place in Ashley. The tumors ARE shrinking! As Al reports in his 4th update, they are smaller and fewer in number.
As I heard Ashley cough all week, I hoped and prayed that it was a healing cough. Caroline and I were just talking about this: could it be that her lungs were getting rid of the tumors? Apparently, they are. With help from chemicals, vitamins, lots of prayers and Ashley's indomitable resolve, her body is healing.

Ashley said tonight: "I still want them [the tumors] to miraculously disappear!" And I assured her I would continue to pray for a full and total disappearance of the tumors. But, as I said in previous postings, miracles sometimes take time. While we watch this one unfold, we can exercise our faith. so maybe the next one will be easier. : )

God, I thank you for the miracle of healing. I can picture Jesus sitting next to Ashley's bed--I picture him dressed in an old t-shirt and those old men's shorts Ashley loves so much--keeping a long vigil and praying each night while Ashley sleeps. I picture Jesus' light and love filling that bedroom and spreading all the way up to Sunny's, filling everyone in that house with peace and rest. It's a comforting image that reflects how I understand you, God. The essence of love and care: like a mother or a sister or a father who is willing to trade places with us to ease our suffering--or at least stay awake while we rest in the knowledge of their love and care. And I thank you that I have known this kind of love in my life, which probably makes it possible for me to believe in a loving God. Thank you God for a faith, even if it is filled with doubts, that allows me to pray and hope.

Thank you, again, for Ashley's healing. Please continue to heal her in body and Spirit. Amen.

Praying for Grace and Patience

God Almighty,
It's mid afternoon and Ashley still has not talked to her doctor. We pray for hope and patience and continue to pray for a miracle of healing. Give Ashley's doctor wisdom and strength and lift her tiredness when she comes out of the OR. Give her clarity to explain to Ashley what is going on and what she needs to do next. Prepare us to be all that she needs us to be. And to do what she needs us to do. Bless Sunny and Al and all of Ashley's family. Bless Brother Luther and Ms. Osment and Tim, Matthew, Janey and Joey as they also wait and worry. Give them hope and peace during this time.

Decorating for Ashley

This morning I woke up early and barged in on Ashley to "pray on her" before her scan. She was upstairs going through pictures and had the most self-satisfied smile on her face. She's ordered a scanner and has all kinds of plans for albums and digital collections. She took a look at my sleepless, headachy, pale face and laughed. "This is harder for y'all than it is for me right now," she declared. I don't think so. But it's undoubtedly kept many of us up. Done wonders for our prayer life.

Then we went to see the new house, on the corner of Cameron and Wilson, provided by UNC as a refuge from the noise for Ashley and her family. Ashley likes the place and believes it is perfect for the Mi Escuelita reunion party we are planning for October: Huge yard, big porch, large dining room and living room. So we went through all the rooms looking and making plans and talking about the irony of her getting the house that she wanted to make into a Charter School , if only the owner had agreed to sell about 10 years ago! Back when we had plans of living in the magical Mi Escuelita world forever...

Ashley is hoping to decorate the place, which is sparsely furnished, and make it more homey. She's thinking of making it more welcoming and cheerful for Sunny, since She and Sunny will probably be spending a lot of time there. Since neither one of us has the decorating gene, I offered to post this request. Of course Ashley said "I've already asked for so much." Which I refuse to even discuss. I've already told her in her case it's more blessed to receive than to give, because she's blessing all those she allows to be more blessed giving than receiving... somehow it made sense when I said it. Y'all understand.

So, if you like decorating, have an eye for such things, and would like to help, please email me or Ash with ideas/suggestions/offerings. For example: ALL the walls are bare. Do you have a great picture to loan for a year? A hanging? An area rug? A flower arrangement you could bring over before the weekend of 9/12? The porch also has absolutely no furniture. That would need to be something not valuable (as in thrift-shop bound), as it's outside and facing Cameron. Do you have matching bead spreads for twin beds?

I'm going to stop here and get Ashley to make a wish list. Also, I know there are some of her friends that could have their own TV show, judging by your beautiful homes. If you have time, would you please work your magic in a room of this house?

God, I know I'm obsessing about this decorating rather than thinking about Ashley's scan. I pray that everything went smoothly. I pray for good news tomorrow. Bless Ashley and fill her with healing love. Amen

shrinking tumors

God,
We'll know more about Ashley's tumors tomorrow. How big, how many, where they are. I wish we didn't have to find out. I wish we could continue to pray and trust and simply wait this out until they were all gone. But of course the doctors need some clinical answers. They want to know if the chemo helped. They are probably already asking themselves "what's next?" and perhaps looking at experimental options.

God, I hold on to hope with all my heart and pray for good news. For the best news. My students at A&T often scold me for even discussing the possibility that something might go wrong. They say my mouth is going to condemn me. It's a mix of superstition and denial and sometimes, true fear. We can't mention the worse possible outcome, or even think about it, even when things look grim. We have to "claim" the victory. Yet even in this claiming the victory, each one of us knows that there will be suffering, but that somehow anticipating it and making plans for it will not help us. It's as valuable a coping mechanism for an oppressed people as I've ever experienced. And it helps me. I claim the best and then also claim that your grace is sufficient, no matter what.

God, I claim it all for Ashley. I claim shrinking tumors and miraculous healing and health. Restore her, God Almighty. Heal her that she might continue to love Sunny and us, and life and to work for justice. Heal her that she may continue to experience joy and laughter. I suspect there is joy and laughter on the other side, God, but we ask that we can have Ashley with us for a long time. It's a selfish prayer, but you are a generous God.
As we each pray in our own way, knowing that you listen to all of creation by whatever name we call you, I ask for healing in the name of Jesus. Jesus, who had compassion and went around unable to resist healing the sick and dying. Even unclean old women and lepers. In Jesus' name I pray for my friend Ashley. Amen.

Dear God,
It's been a difficult weekend, with ups and downs and feelings of desolation creeping in and paralyzing me. It's so easy to stop listening and plough ahead with what "ought to be done" that we loose the opportunity to be mindful, to be joyful, to be attuned to those around us.

On Saturday I watched Ashley change light bulbs while Sunny and I stood below ready to catch her. She refused our help. We annoyed her. She felt good and wanted to feel useful and do the work that needed to be done. I don't know how many times I heard her say "I'm perfectly capable of..." And she is. But then her arm hurts, and she asks "I wonder why it's hurting?" And I want to yell "because you have a damn plastic tube in there and you are moving it around like it was nothing!" I should have yelled that. I should have said exactly that. Jesus didn't mince words. And I can hear your rebukes when I behave stupidly. So I missed that chance to be honest and helpful and perhaps spare my friend some pain. Then I missed the chance to leave when my job was done, even though I could sense it was the right thing to do. God, help me not to hover. And help Sunny to be able to ask me for what she needs. To be as brutally honest with me as she is with Al and Ashley. To say, "Maria, I need my mom for myself right now, can you help me?" God, that's so much to ask of a little girl/almost adolescent/young woman who is about to turn 12. But you have given her so much character and strength. Help her learn to trust that we won't get our feelings hurt and turn away. Help her to have enough faith and trust in me and other friends to be herself and articulate her needs and feelings.

Thank you, God, for two beautiful days of sunshine. Help Ashley soak the warmth and joy of these days. Thank you for the helpful books and teachings that lift her spirits. Heal her in body and spirit today. Amen

A Question from Fiesta

Hi Maria
I hope you remember me, Fiesta, I worked for Al and Ashley.
I don't usually forward things to people but a good friend of mine sent this to me. I saw Ashley last week and told her I would take those tumors from her and have them in me if I could. Although I know it's not God's will. I always have to remember His will be done, I know we are not supposed to ask why, but why Maria, why Ashley and not me? I read the following and thought of her.
Fiesta Warren

LEMONS and SUGAR
This should probably be taped to your bathroom mirror where one could read it every day. You may not realize it, but it's 100% true.
1. There are at least two people in this world that you would die for.
2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.
.......

Miracles

A friend of Ashley's wrote me an email today which started like many other emails I have received:

"Maria -- You may not remember me -- we met .... at Ashley's house...."

I think I've met 90% of the interesting and wonderful people I know at Ashley's house. It's been a refuge for so many progressives, intelectuals, community organizers, young activists, young parents, and over-protected children yearning to be free (like my three). But I digress.
This friend of Ashley's went on to say that she enjoys the postings, and that she wants to "be helpful -- to Ashley and her core friends -- however I can. I'm new to this area, and she has been an amazing friend in the very short time I've known her. She's just so great. "

I am copying my response to her here, because I'm getting a lot of offers of support, and truly I want everyone to know I'm not overwhelmed--and that it is a joy to pray and to help. I'm really doing very little, it's just that I write about it. But read what I wrote Ash's friend:

Thanks for your email and for checking in. I'm truly glad to be able to do the little bits and pieces I do. You wouldn't believe how many people are pitching in. REALLY gifted people who cook the most amazing vegan stuff, friends who know about medications, PIC lines, dishwashers, Budhist meditation, and just about everything and anything Ashley needs. When I'm at her house the phone doesn't stop ringing with messages of concern and support. I've never been turned down when I've asked somebody for help. So, I feel incredibly blessed to be able to just be there for Ash and communicate to others her needs when she needs a go-between. By the way, this is not that needed as of late, since Ashley is feeling better and she is able to coordinate her own help. In part I think this is also due to her realizing how she is blessing others in letting them cook, clean, run errands, and in general feel useful. Mostly, Ashley (and I, and I'm sure all her other friends) appreciate the love and availability of those who write, email and call. Please keep those prayers and positive thoughts coming.
Maria

God,
Thanks for all the good friends that treasure Ashley. Thank you that she is feeling their love, even when it is sent from thousands of miles away, as with Matthew H.D. Stewart. Bless him for making us laugh. Bless Ashley as she "puts all her strength behind a miracle." I know you smiled when you heard those words. Yesterday she proclaimed she wanted the tumors to miraculously disappear. I told her sometimes miracles take time. We both smiled. It sounds so ridiculous, like I'm a doctor telling a patient "take your medicine, the fever will go down in 24 hours..." Am I a miracle expert? I sure did sound like one last night. I guess I do feel like a miracle expert sometimes. I think I can look back and point to dozens. I still remember Gladys trying to tell the surgeon that she thanked him and God for a miracle. Her tumor--which was supposed to leave her paralized or dead--had pealed off from inside her vertebrae. The doctor said he couldn't have hoped for better. Glady's attempts came out sounding something like "doctor, you is God. miracle." The doctor, a deeply religious African-American neurosurgeon looked at me and started to laugh. He said "Reverend, please explain that I am definitely NOT God, but that I do agree it was a miracle." Then he pointed to the ceiling and said "Dios miracle. No me. I just did surgery."

God, we're all doing all we know how with the gifts you have given us. We're "just" doing our part. And Ashley is giving it 100%. She is also waiting for a miracle. And we are trusting that it is happening in her, even as we go about our jobs and other responsibilities today. Please guide the doctors, the nutritionist, the cooks, the nurses, and work this perfect miracle of healing. We ask in all humility, in love. Amen.

soldiers

I just want to speak up as a voice for the army of people out there, some of us near and some of us far, who are so eager to do whatever we can to help Ash, Al and Sunny. Some of us have spoken up here, but there are many more of us who haven't. But we are out there and ready.

Even if you can't see us all, I hope you can feel all of us behind you.

Praying for Grace to Receive

God, today I pray that you bless Ashley with the realization that we want to help her, cook and clean for her, etc., etc., etc.... because we are able and because we love her--and that she will never owe anything nor be able to do anything that somehow makes it even. I know none of us deserve the blessings we enjoy. Every time I go to Peru and see young women walking with their children late at night, waiting for over-full buses, working for pennies an hour, and smiling at me, I feel that the universe messed up. I question your love and justice. I know I don't deserve a home in Chapel Hill, wonderful friends, health, beautiful children... the list is endless. But accepting these blessings with grace and being willing to use them and use my time and energy to bless others is a start in making the universe seem a little less unfair. I can also feel your joy when I do it. God, help me, as I try to bless others, to also stop, breath deeply and enjoy the beauty that surrounds me and the undeserved acts of love offered to me. Help Ashley to enjoy the beauty that surrounds her and to accept with joy the undeserved acts of love offered to her. Bless her with improved health today and each day this week. Amen.

A WALK IN THE WOODS

A couple of nights ago, I had a beautiful dream. I was on a walk in the woods on an autumn morning. The trees were all turning. And I was walking with Ash. You looked radiant. You were wearing beige linen pants and a soft wine colored top. And you were holding up the branches so they wouldn't hit me in the face. You were showing me the way. As you have done so many times before. I woke up serene and happy.

Meal calendar update:

Hi again everyone,
I wanted to update the meal info again. I spoke with Ashley yesterday and she, Al and Sunny appreciate all the meals. Ashley said, "People have brought delicious food that we have all enjoyed immensely".

The three meals a week plan is working well. Two vegan meals and one non-vegan. For the non-vegan meals, I just found out that Sunny doesn't eat beef or pork. Also, would it be possible for folks delivering a meal to also deliver a bag of uncooked cruciferous vegetables to Ashley? Her nutritionist recommends several servings daily of cruciferous vegetables, with a lot of variety. Yesterday during her two hours of receiving intravenous vitamin C, she sat and prepared broccoli and kale for later in the day. If folks take a bag of uncooked vegetables, Ashley would enjoy preparing them.
These are cruciferous vegetables: kale, collard greens, chinese broccoli, cabbage, brussel sprouts, kohlrabi, broccoli, broccoflower, broccoli romanesco, cauliflower, wild broccoli, bok choy, mizuna, Rapini (broccoli rabe), flowering cabbage, chinese cabbage, napa cabbage, turnip root, greens, rutabaga, siberian kale, mustard greens, radish, daikon, horseradish, Real wasabi (not horseradish), arugula, watercress, garden cress, komatsuna. Please e-mail me if you have any questions. trcarter@med.unc.edu

Thanks,
Tanya

May Ashley be full of life, love, hope and peace. May she be free from pain and suffering. May Al be full of life, love, hope and peace. May he be free from pain and suffering. May Sunny be full of life, love, hope and peace. May she be free from pain and suffering. May Ashley and Al's families be full of life, love, hope and peace. May they be free from pain and suffering. May Ashley, Al and Sunny's friends be full of life, love, hope and peace. May they be free from pain and suffering. May they know when and how to be helpful to Ashley. May Ashley rest peacefully tonight. Give Ashley and Al strength for tomorrow. Amen

Thank you, Mayi

Mayi, This morning I saw some new red slippers sitting in the living room. I tried them and they felt good! (Not a common thing for my nerve-damaged feet.) I just asked Sunny where these slippers came from? She said, "Mayi." Thank you, my friend.
Ashley

Strength and Peace

Eternal Spirit, grant Ashley strength and peace.

—Strength to face the treatment plan she has chosen. Peace to live in the presence of uncertainty.

—Strength to be the wonderful mother that she has always been for her daughter. Peace in the knowledge that her daughter loves her and is strong enough to face her illness.

—Strength to listen with grace to the sometimes unhelpful, floundering words of her friends. Peace in knowing those words, though weak and ill-conceived, draw from a deep well of concern and hope.

—Strength to sustain her through pain and worry. Peace to sustain her through pain and worry.

Give Ashley these things, and give us the will to be the mediators of the gift.

Tenacity and Resolve

Tenacity, strength. We pray for these for Ashley. As her aching body begs for rest, let her resolve not weaken. God, I take comfort in the story of the mustard seed. In the gospels, Jesus tells his disciples that faith the size of a mustard seed is enough. I know Jesus himself must have doubted often. Could he really defy the powers of oppression? Could he keep going when everyone doubted? Would his sandals last all the way to Jerusalem? I'm sure that sometimes he felt too weak and too small to keep going. When he talked about faith the size of a mustard seed, he probably knew from experience.

Give Ashley the assurance that your love and our combined and growing faith is enough. Help her draw strength and resolve from those around her who are pouring their love into her healing.

Thank you, God, that when we find the courage to think deeply of Ashley's healing, we find you there, giving us strength and new resolve. Then we know that praying and thinking with and for Ash is sustaining us and her. We pray for more courage to ask, to pray, with even a little bit of faith--the size of a mustard seed.