Sunday, August 31, 2008
Thank you Lord for the love that surrounds Ash. Thank you for the love that Ashley pours out, in her sharing and in her caring. Thank you because it all shows up in Sunny. In her strong mind and spirit. Lord we pray that everything that goes into Ashley's body (Chemo, Vitamin C, everything) work for your glory, for her healing. That every hand that touches her be your hand, holy and healing. And please bless her aching feet. Amen
The new, working dishwasher
I give thanks today for refreshing rain, loving friends and for the installation of Ashley's new dishwasher. Thank you for Caroline's efficiency and determination, for Eugene and availability and willingness to shuttle the new and old machines in his truck, for Israel who spent his Saturday afternoon installing it, for Walker who cheerfully learned and helped, and for all who are making the purchase possible. It was a joyful celebration when we turned it on and (surprise!) it worked! Cristobal, do you think you can publish us a picture? What about Sunny modeling like Vanna White and pointing to the panels?]
Even though Al insists that somebody could have fixed the old one, we were all thankful it was gone. Scooping the dirty water pooled in its bottom before we pulled it out, I felt I was getting rid of frustration and sickness. It was very symbolic. I wish we could do the same with Ashley's tumors.
I pray that you, God, Creator, Spirit of the Universe, will scoop those tumors out like dirty water. Scoop them out in some way. Through the power of the chemicals, the vitamin C, and the love and prayers that are lifted up daily.
We continue to pray for rest and healing as Ashley recovers from the chemo. Keep her from catching any colds or infections as this time of low resistance. We pray that the pain in her bones will decrease and that she will be able to sleep and recover quickly. Thank you for Amy's presence this weekend and her loving, tender care. She is an angel to our Ashley. Bless her with abundant grace and strength as she prepares food and mixes medicines and ministers to our friend.
Thank you, God, for your love, manifested through so many people. As we each pray in the name by which we know you, I pray in the name of Jesus. Amen
Even though Al insists that somebody could have fixed the old one, we were all thankful it was gone. Scooping the dirty water pooled in its bottom before we pulled it out, I felt I was getting rid of frustration and sickness. It was very symbolic. I wish we could do the same with Ashley's tumors.
I pray that you, God, Creator, Spirit of the Universe, will scoop those tumors out like dirty water. Scoop them out in some way. Through the power of the chemicals, the vitamin C, and the love and prayers that are lifted up daily.
We continue to pray for rest and healing as Ashley recovers from the chemo. Keep her from catching any colds or infections as this time of low resistance. We pray that the pain in her bones will decrease and that she will be able to sleep and recover quickly. Thank you for Amy's presence this weekend and her loving, tender care. She is an angel to our Ashley. Bless her with abundant grace and strength as she prepares food and mixes medicines and ministers to our friend.
Thank you, God, for your love, manifested through so many people. As we each pray in the name by which we know you, I pray in the name of Jesus. Amen
Friday, August 29, 2008
Prayer for rest and strength
God, forgive me for letting the hours go by without a centering thought, without a prayer. I forget that life is not about deadlines and impatient staff or students in crisis. It's about relating to each one and making a connection and remembering, as least for little bits of time, who I am and who are the people I love and need to think and pray about. Like Ashley.
Yesterday evening Ashley was already showing the ravages of chemo and having her arm poked dozens of times to put a "line" for the vitamin C. She was also worn out by the friends that are just finding out that she is sick again and can hardly hold themselves together until walking out the door. It's so exhausting to tell people and console people, even for me, and I'm not the one fighting for my life. Please, God, give Ashley rest and healing. Give her the strength to organize well-wishers and put them to work or to send them home when she needs to. Including me. Help her to feel the comfort of a soft bed and a soft pillow and a warm blanket and peace and quiet.
God, thank you for the couple that brought food to Ashley last night. The food was exactly what Ashley needed and the enthusiasm with which Sunny ate and pronounced it "fantastic" was a blessing. These women did more than feed Ashley nourishing food. They nourished her soul.
Today, I pray for rest and strength. Bless Ashley and surround her with your love. Amen
Yesterday evening Ashley was already showing the ravages of chemo and having her arm poked dozens of times to put a "line" for the vitamin C. She was also worn out by the friends that are just finding out that she is sick again and can hardly hold themselves together until walking out the door. It's so exhausting to tell people and console people, even for me, and I'm not the one fighting for my life. Please, God, give Ashley rest and healing. Give her the strength to organize well-wishers and put them to work or to send them home when she needs to. Including me. Help her to feel the comfort of a soft bed and a soft pillow and a warm blanket and peace and quiet.
God, thank you for the couple that brought food to Ashley last night. The food was exactly what Ashley needed and the enthusiasm with which Sunny ate and pronounced it "fantastic" was a blessing. These women did more than feed Ashley nourishing food. They nourished her soul.
Today, I pray for rest and strength. Bless Ashley and surround her with your love. Amen
Thursday, August 28, 2008
CHEMO UPDATE from Ashley
Hello All,
Al and I survived chemotherapy all right today. The intravenous benadryl makes me drunk in the silliest way (I have to stifle the giggles) and then I conk out for a few hours. Then I come to but am too groggy to do much but listen to music.
Today I listened to Nina Simone all day, to whom I was introduced by Howie and Trude in 1983 and it's been pure bliss ever since. I never get tired of Nina and for me, she works for every mood. I think, however, that today while wearing headphones I was singing along a little too loudly. People were looking at me and they weren't happy (not that people are all that happy in a chemo infusion room).
I feel the need to summarize the cancer treatments we're pursuing. First, we are doing conventional and caustic (to put it mildly) chemotherapy to try to put the cancer in remission. These drugs are carboplatin, taxol and avastin. That is all covered by insurance except for co-pays.
We are pursuing complementary therapies that are not covered by insurance and will add up to around $5000 over the next month. $4000 will be to receive 18 infusions of intravenous vitamin C. There are about a dozen research articles on the hostile environment extremely high levels of vitamin c in your plasma cause to cancer cells (while working no harm to healthy, noncancerous cells). See, e.g., this blog entry from Chapel Hillians Mark Mead, MSc and Michael Sharp, M.D.at <http://www.globalhealingoptions.com/Blog/Entries/2008/7/21_Entry_1.html>, where they reference much of this work.
The other uncovered costs are mostly nutritional, which I'll write about another time.
Speaking of nutritional therapies, the food everyone has been bringinghas been just amazing and much eaten and appreciated! Thank you.
Thank you for the dishwasher Carolina and others.
Thank you for everything.
Love,
Ashley
Al and I survived chemotherapy all right today. The intravenous benadryl makes me drunk in the silliest way (I have to stifle the giggles) and then I conk out for a few hours. Then I come to but am too groggy to do much but listen to music.
Today I listened to Nina Simone all day, to whom I was introduced by Howie and Trude in 1983 and it's been pure bliss ever since. I never get tired of Nina and for me, she works for every mood. I think, however, that today while wearing headphones I was singing along a little too loudly. People were looking at me and they weren't happy (not that people are all that happy in a chemo infusion room).
I feel the need to summarize the cancer treatments we're pursuing. First, we are doing conventional and caustic (to put it mildly) chemotherapy to try to put the cancer in remission. These drugs are carboplatin, taxol and avastin. That is all covered by insurance except for co-pays.
We are pursuing complementary therapies that are not covered by insurance and will add up to around $5000 over the next month. $4000 will be to receive 18 infusions of intravenous vitamin C. There are about a dozen research articles on the hostile environment extremely high levels of vitamin c in your plasma cause to cancer cells (while working no harm to healthy, noncancerous cells). See, e.g., this blog entry from Chapel Hillians Mark Mead, MSc and Michael Sharp, M.D.at <http://www.globalhealingoptions.com/Blog/Entries/2008/7/21_Entry_1.html>, where they reference much of this work.
The other uncovered costs are mostly nutritional, which I'll write about another time.
Speaking of nutritional therapies, the food everyone has been bringinghas been just amazing and much eaten and appreciated! Thank you.
Thank you for the dishwasher Carolina and others.
Thank you for everything.
Love,
Ashley
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Keeping Ashley in the light
God, I guess you already know it's rained all day. We needed the rain, but it was sad to think of Ashley having to navigate the deluge to get to the hospital and thinking of her listening to the rain all day and all evening. Yes, I know there are wonderful things we ought to be thankful for today, but mostly, I'm sad and want to ask for some sunshine. Let there be a beautiful Carolina sky tomorrow for Ashley. Bless and heal her spirit as well as her body.
Thank you for the tornado-in-the-making not touching down. While Sofia hid in the basement bathroom waiting for the tornado watch to pass, I thought of my friend Ashley. She doesn't have a basement. Surely she wouldn't have to face chemotherapy and a tornado on the same day! I guess we are really fortunate in so many ways we don't even think of. We didn't have a tornado, or an explosion, or a major accident, ... but it's hard to be thankful for what didn't go wrong when we are facing such a difficult diagnosis. God, remind us of the incredible odds against human life developing out of chaos, the incredible odds against lasting friendships and love, and having just one perfect day. But we've had so many. So help Ashley beat the odds. Give her renewed strength and life so that she can continue to bless and be blessed. We treasure her and need her and pray tonight for her healing and for rest.
I pray also for Sunny's friend Emmett's surgery tomorrow. Heal him. Bless him, one of Ashley's many community children. Give them both comfort and rest. Amen.
Thank you for the tornado-in-the-making not touching down. While Sofia hid in the basement bathroom waiting for the tornado watch to pass, I thought of my friend Ashley. She doesn't have a basement. Surely she wouldn't have to face chemotherapy and a tornado on the same day! I guess we are really fortunate in so many ways we don't even think of. We didn't have a tornado, or an explosion, or a major accident, ... but it's hard to be thankful for what didn't go wrong when we are facing such a difficult diagnosis. God, remind us of the incredible odds against human life developing out of chaos, the incredible odds against lasting friendships and love, and having just one perfect day. But we've had so many. So help Ashley beat the odds. Give her renewed strength and life so that she can continue to bless and be blessed. We treasure her and need her and pray tonight for her healing and for rest.
I pray also for Sunny's friend Emmett's surgery tomorrow. Heal him. Bless him, one of Ashley's many community children. Give them both comfort and rest. Amen.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Help welcomed, needed
Tonight I received this email from Trude:
Maria,I saw Ashley today and asked her whether we should try to
raise money to pay (or help pay) the $4,000 for her new
treatment. She reluctantly said yes --the cost has really been
bothering her...maybe we can think of some things we could do to
raise money.
So here is our appeal, in Trude's words:
Ashley has decided to try some complementary therapies that may strengthen the effects of her chemotherapy. She is feeling hopeful and excited about this, but insurance won't cover these kinds of alternative treatments. The $4,000 cost is putting extra pressure on her, so we are letting you know that donations of any amount would help a lot to relieve some of that stress."
I am comfortable collecting (picking up)checks to give to Ashley and
Al, but of course contributions can also be mailed to them directly to 415 Patterson Place, Chapel Hill, NC 27516.
PLEASE know that we don't want anyone to feel guilty if they cannot contribute. This is just a good place to let everyone know that help is needed and welcomed.
____________
God, it's been such a loooong day. Thank you that Ashley felt up to walking the dog this afternoon. We pray for her response to this treatment. Make it effective and healing.
I feel sad and like a traitor because I'm falling asleep and can't even pray any longer. Hear my quiet longing, loving God, and accept my tired prayer. You know what Ashley needs. No amount of wakefulness on our part can help our friend tonight, but you can. Please heal her and comfort her and give her rest. I ask for grace, as Ashley's friend. Amen
Maria,I saw Ashley today and asked her whether we should try to
raise money to pay (or help pay) the $4,000 for her new
treatment. She reluctantly said yes --the cost has really been
bothering her...maybe we can think of some things we could do to
raise money.
So here is our appeal, in Trude's words:
Ashley has decided to try some complementary therapies that may strengthen the effects of her chemotherapy. She is feeling hopeful and excited about this, but insurance won't cover these kinds of alternative treatments. The $4,000 cost is putting extra pressure on her, so we are letting you know that donations of any amount would help a lot to relieve some of that stress."
I am comfortable collecting (picking up)checks to give to Ashley and
Al, but of course contributions can also be mailed to them directly to 415 Patterson Place, Chapel Hill, NC 27516.
PLEASE know that we don't want anyone to feel guilty if they cannot contribute. This is just a good place to let everyone know that help is needed and welcomed.
____________
God, it's been such a loooong day. Thank you that Ashley felt up to walking the dog this afternoon. We pray for her response to this treatment. Make it effective and healing.
I feel sad and like a traitor because I'm falling asleep and can't even pray any longer. Hear my quiet longing, loving God, and accept my tired prayer. You know what Ashley needs. No amount of wakefulness on our part can help our friend tonight, but you can. Please heal her and comfort her and give her rest. I ask for grace, as Ashley's friend. Amen
In prayer
As Ashley gets infused with more vitamin c, we pray again, Creator and Healer, for her body and spirit to heal. Heal her wounded pride and help her be proud of blessing us with the opportunity to serve and be useful. Help her to realize that sharing her struggles has enriched us all and made us better people. It's a wisdom and a newfound appreciation for life and friendship that makes each day precious. We feel blessed just because our lives have intersected with hers and now we realized how much better we are for it. How we are better persons and better friends. Thank you, God, for Ashley. We ask for healing that she may have many years to continue living and blessing just by being herself. Thank you for gifting us with Ashley, Al and Sunny.
And thanks for the new dishwasher Caroline is ordering today. Help us get it paid for and set up without creating a major disruption for Ashley. Selfishly, I realize that I'd rather be needed and drop by to wash dishes and fuss at Al for not keeping the kitchen spotless and disinfected. Giving Ash and Al the equipment to do their own dishes and not have to put up with well-meaning helpers is the right thing to do. Help me know that even when I'm not there being useful, I can continue to lift them up in prayer and love. Amen
And thanks for the new dishwasher Caroline is ordering today. Help us get it paid for and set up without creating a major disruption for Ashley. Selfishly, I realize that I'd rather be needed and drop by to wash dishes and fuss at Al for not keeping the kitchen spotless and disinfected. Giving Ash and Al the equipment to do their own dishes and not have to put up with well-meaning helpers is the right thing to do. Help me know that even when I'm not there being useful, I can continue to lift them up in prayer and love. Amen
saw a hawk
Remembering to be mindful on my way to get coffee, I paused to find out what two students who were looking up into a tree had seen. It was a hawk. After admiring it for some time, I went and got my coffee. As I walked back, I looked again for the hawk. I wasn't the only one who'd gone off to find breakfast. The hawk was on a different branch, eating. It was an impressive sight.
A response from Ashley
From Ashley:
I went to bed last night at 9 p.m., thinking this would go well with my problem of waking up at 4 a.m. every morning. If my first try at this is any gauge, it turns out that waking at 4 a.m. isn't my new normal, rather it's my mind's problem with checking out for more than five hours. So I was up with a lot on my mind at 2 a.m. I've read all your emails and responded to a few. My poor sister, she gets my grief unadulterated. At the same time, Janey gets to see (rather than just hear about) how improved I am between 1 a.m. and 5 a.m. after being washed by waves and waves of love from you all. All the gifts that are pouring in are too much for my pride. (Cancer is too much for my pride, too.) I know I need to accept both with as much improbable grace as I can muster. So I want to say that all the love and sheer mobilization on my, Al and Sunny's behalf are helping us a great deal and we will forever be grateful.
August 26, 2008 2:12 AM
I went to bed last night at 9 p.m., thinking this would go well with my problem of waking up at 4 a.m. every morning. If my first try at this is any gauge, it turns out that waking at 4 a.m. isn't my new normal, rather it's my mind's problem with checking out for more than five hours. So I was up with a lot on my mind at 2 a.m. I've read all your emails and responded to a few. My poor sister, she gets my grief unadulterated. At the same time, Janey gets to see (rather than just hear about) how improved I am between 1 a.m. and 5 a.m. after being washed by waves and waves of love from you all. All the gifts that are pouring in are too much for my pride. (Cancer is too much for my pride, too.) I know I need to accept both with as much improbable grace as I can muster. So I want to say that all the love and sheer mobilization on my, Al and Sunny's behalf are helping us a great deal and we will forever be grateful.
August 26, 2008 2:12 AM
from Caroline
Caroline said...
As Maria noted today, Ashley's dishwasher has stopped working and is in pieces in the laundry room. I have also been thinking the old one was beyond repair. After researching Consumer Reports and other on-line dishwasher reviews and consulting with Maria, we have decided to order a highly ranked Whirlpool from Best Buy tomorrow. It will cost just under $400. (Maria may know someone who can do the installation.) If everything goes well, she may have a new DW by the weekend!!Any local friends who have also been doing dishes at the McSurely Osment household and would like to help pay for this as a gift to Ashley, please contact me. Thanks, Caroline Sherman
csherman@nc.rr.com
As Maria noted today, Ashley's dishwasher has stopped working and is in pieces in the laundry room. I have also been thinking the old one was beyond repair. After researching Consumer Reports and other on-line dishwasher reviews and consulting with Maria, we have decided to order a highly ranked Whirlpool from Best Buy tomorrow. It will cost just under $400. (Maria may know someone who can do the installation.) If everything goes well, she may have a new DW by the weekend!!Any local friends who have also been doing dishes at the McSurely Osment household and would like to help pay for this as a gift to Ashley, please contact me. Thanks, Caroline Sherman
csherman@nc.rr.com
Monday, August 25, 2008
Getting Specific
I'm glad Matthew made Ashley laugh. I knew Ms. Hertle had to be an inside joke, and apparently it is a good one.
I went by Ashley's today to report on the errands I had run at her request. The report from the Vitamin C infusion is positive. Few (and short-lived) miserable side effects. Renewed hope. More of it tomorrow. While Ashley and I went over lists, Benji helped Sunny select pictures for a collage. Or at least they laughed at the pictures together, though from Benji's description, none would be suitable for Sunny's folder. There's the one where Sunny and Sofia are laughing hysterically on the porch...stark naked. Of course they're only about one year-old, but you wouldn't want that on you school folder. Then there's the picture of Sunny spreading about half a bottle of sun screen all over herself. Benji (17) and Sunny (11) were laughing like old folks looking at the "good ol' days." It seems like yesterday, but it also feels like a lifetime ago. So much living in so little time.
So, I'm going to pray very specifically tonight. Whether you light a candle or sound a bell,please join me,
Spirit, help Ashley respond to the vitamin c treatment. We pray for amazing results. We bless the doctor who is treating her and ask for wisdom and insight for the medical professionals who are working with her this week. Guide Ashley as she makes decisions. Help her to feel the healing and the hope as her body responds. Provide the means to pay for this treatment.
Ashley needs a new dish washer. I pray for one of those wonderful coincidences that count as miracles in my book, where somebody knows somebody who is getting rid of an almost-new dishwasher. God, I believe that the miracle of the loaves and fishes could be repeated in any church or synagogue today... if we each presented you with what we have, it would be enough. When your people are moved to generosity, there is enough. I pray that Maggie will find a good dishwasher at the Habitat store, or that my friend in Greensboro will come up with something, or perhaps we'll find one in Craig's list. Thanks for Eugene, who is ready with his truck to pick it up. God, I feel better just praying publicly about this. It's not my worry any more. Even if Ashley is "mildly horrified" when she reads this, it's out there. So now, it's OUR dishwasher we're looking for. And you are helping us and guiding us and helping us provide.
Please help Ashley to feel our love and concern and to forgive our intrusion into her private life. Give us grace and help us to respect the privacy and rest she needs as much as she needs our help. Bless her with joy and laughter.
While we're praying for healing, we pray for the US and for the National Democratic Convention. Bless Michelle and Barack and protect them from lunatics and fanatics. Heal the rifts within the party and across racial lines.
And forgive me for bringing politics into this blog.
Amen.
I went by Ashley's today to report on the errands I had run at her request. The report from the Vitamin C infusion is positive. Few (and short-lived) miserable side effects. Renewed hope. More of it tomorrow. While Ashley and I went over lists, Benji helped Sunny select pictures for a collage. Or at least they laughed at the pictures together, though from Benji's description, none would be suitable for Sunny's folder. There's the one where Sunny and Sofia are laughing hysterically on the porch...stark naked. Of course they're only about one year-old, but you wouldn't want that on you school folder. Then there's the picture of Sunny spreading about half a bottle of sun screen all over herself. Benji (17) and Sunny (11) were laughing like old folks looking at the "good ol' days." It seems like yesterday, but it also feels like a lifetime ago. So much living in so little time.
So, I'm going to pray very specifically tonight. Whether you light a candle or sound a bell,please join me,
Spirit, help Ashley respond to the vitamin c treatment. We pray for amazing results. We bless the doctor who is treating her and ask for wisdom and insight for the medical professionals who are working with her this week. Guide Ashley as she makes decisions. Help her to feel the healing and the hope as her body responds. Provide the means to pay for this treatment.
Ashley needs a new dish washer. I pray for one of those wonderful coincidences that count as miracles in my book, where somebody knows somebody who is getting rid of an almost-new dishwasher. God, I believe that the miracle of the loaves and fishes could be repeated in any church or synagogue today... if we each presented you with what we have, it would be enough. When your people are moved to generosity, there is enough. I pray that Maggie will find a good dishwasher at the Habitat store, or that my friend in Greensboro will come up with something, or perhaps we'll find one in Craig's list. Thanks for Eugene, who is ready with his truck to pick it up. God, I feel better just praying publicly about this. It's not my worry any more. Even if Ashley is "mildly horrified" when she reads this, it's out there. So now, it's OUR dishwasher we're looking for. And you are helping us and guiding us and helping us provide.
Please help Ashley to feel our love and concern and to forgive our intrusion into her private life. Give us grace and help us to respect the privacy and rest she needs as much as she needs our help. Bless her with joy and laughter.
While we're praying for healing, we pray for the US and for the National Democratic Convention. Bless Michelle and Barack and protect them from lunatics and fanatics. Heal the rifts within the party and across racial lines.
And forgive me for bringing politics into this blog.
Amen.
mindful
My coffee and and cream this morning made me wakeful but not mindful.
Pausing to appreciate the joy of friends like Ashley, the beauty of this campus, and the bright future of all the shining young faces streaming to and from their classes was an exercise in mindfulness.
Did you admire the clouds yesterday? Has a tree blessed you with its shade this summer? Have you thanked a friend for joining you at a meal?
Tomorrow I will let my coffee serve as a reminder to be mindful.
Pausing to appreciate the joy of friends like Ashley, the beauty of this campus, and the bright future of all the shining young faces streaming to and from their classes was an exercise in mindfulness.
Did you admire the clouds yesterday? Has a tree blessed you with its shade this summer? Have you thanked a friend for joining you at a meal?
Tomorrow I will let my coffee serve as a reminder to be mindful.
Can You Make a Payment Today?
A special poem for Ashley.
This is a tale of Ms. Hertel
Who could always tell the smell of a ne'er-do-well
She'd call your phone and ring your bell
Did she think she was, just who the hell?
This is a tale of Ms. Hertel
Who could always tell the smell of a ne'er-do-well
She'd call your phone and ring your bell
Did she think she was, just who the hell?
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Vitamin C
I'm praying tonight that Ashley's infusion of Vitamin C is a success. Creator, you know every cell in our bodies; I pray that every cell in Ashley's body will respond in a way that will bring healing. We claim a miracle that will be written up in journals and pave the way for more healing and advances in the treatment of cancer. I pray that Ashley will be able to relax and let our love support her and bring her comfort.
God, thank you for the teachers, counselors, administrators and staff that have worked hard to prepare for the first day of school tomorrow. Bless Sunny, and all the children in our community who are starting school. May 6th grade be the best yet for Sunny. Keep her challenged and nurtured and help her to continue being the beautiful, positive, justice-loving child that she is. Protect her from the stupidity of middle school and help her enjoy the fun and wonderful opportunities she'll have. Give Ashley, Al and Sunny a restful night. Amen.
God, thank you for the teachers, counselors, administrators and staff that have worked hard to prepare for the first day of school tomorrow. Bless Sunny, and all the children in our community who are starting school. May 6th grade be the best yet for Sunny. Keep her challenged and nurtured and help her to continue being the beautiful, positive, justice-loving child that she is. Protect her from the stupidity of middle school and help her enjoy the fun and wonderful opportunities she'll have. Give Ashley, Al and Sunny a restful night. Amen.
Crêpes
Last week on Sunday I went to a brunch with friends. We cooked--others cooked; I contributed ingredients--a delicious spread including heart-shaped veggie sausage patties. After we finished eating we played a board game and chatted. There was a great collection of people who all knew two or three other people there but were meeting the rest for the first time. We all had such a good time that we decided to make it a regular event. This Sunday I was charged with bringing the juice and the whip cream. Some faces were familiar from the week before; others were new to me. Jet (one of our hosts) made us crêpes, which we kept praising effusively.
As we sat and ate, I found myself thinking about Ashley. My family's connection to hers often has a meal as a backdrop in my mind. I find myself thinking about Vimala, a common friend who cooks amazing idlis and chutney. I find myself thinking about Weaver Street, where I often run into Ashley and where I've seen live music on the lawn twice this week.
I'm remembering a hamburger dinner at Ashley's house not terribly long ago. I'm remembering a growler of beer shared around her table. Perhaps everything looks so picturesque and happy because my memory is fuzzy enough that the above is about as detailed as my memory gets, but I remain convinced that cooking and eating food with friends is one of the great pleasures we don't appreciate enough in the moment. It doesn't matter if the conversation is awkward or the food cold. It doesn't matter if the bugs are out or the dog in and underfoot: if there is food and others around to share it with, stop to reflect. Stop and hold the joy of food, friends and sharing in your mind.
As we sat and ate, I found myself thinking about Ashley. My family's connection to hers often has a meal as a backdrop in my mind. I find myself thinking about Vimala, a common friend who cooks amazing idlis and chutney. I find myself thinking about Weaver Street, where I often run into Ashley and where I've seen live music on the lawn twice this week.
I'm remembering a hamburger dinner at Ashley's house not terribly long ago. I'm remembering a growler of beer shared around her table. Perhaps everything looks so picturesque and happy because my memory is fuzzy enough that the above is about as detailed as my memory gets, but I remain convinced that cooking and eating food with friends is one of the great pleasures we don't appreciate enough in the moment. It doesn't matter if the conversation is awkward or the food cold. It doesn't matter if the bugs are out or the dog in and underfoot: if there is food and others around to share it with, stop to reflect. Stop and hold the joy of food, friends and sharing in your mind.
Holding Ashley in the Light
A quaker friend has promised to hold Ashley "in the Light." I love that expression. I can picture the beam of God's light illuminating everything around where Ashley walks, bathing her in light.
In Church today we had a hymn sing. Lots of people just enjoyed making music and telling stories. We sang and prayed, and reminded each other that music is part of our praying. Leandra, our music minister, prayed a beautiful prayer in between verses of "Near to the Hear of God" which truly touched me. I asked her if I could share her prayer with out blog, so here it is:
Prayer:
Holy One
We have so many loves--this world, our home,
the people to whom we are close, and time with them
for some of us, school
for some, work
for some, sports
for some, making music
the miracle of birth and the coming of Joshua [a new church baby] to our world and our community
our hearts overflow with warmth and gratitude
too, our hearts overflow with care
for people we love
for our nation
for the world, the peace of her peoples, the salvation of the earth
for ourselves, intimately connected in the web of all that is
we name now Ashley, who needs care--ours and yours
hold all who wait near your heart.
If you don't know the song, maybe you can still get an idea of why it seemed so appropriate to be praying and singing this song this morning. The last verse says:
There is a place of quiet rest, near to the heart of God;
a place where all is joy and peace, near to the heart of God
O Jesus, blest Redeemer, sent from the heart of God,
hold us who wait before you near to the heart of God.
I find this image of the Light, the heart of God, to be very calming as we wait for tests, for treatments, for answers. Suffering and uncertainty abound, but there is also beauty and love. Let's hold each other in the Light. Amen
In Church today we had a hymn sing. Lots of people just enjoyed making music and telling stories. We sang and prayed, and reminded each other that music is part of our praying. Leandra, our music minister, prayed a beautiful prayer in between verses of "Near to the Hear of God" which truly touched me. I asked her if I could share her prayer with out blog, so here it is:
Prayer:
Holy One
We have so many loves--this world, our home,
the people to whom we are close, and time with them
for some of us, school
for some, work
for some, sports
for some, making music
the miracle of birth and the coming of Joshua [a new church baby] to our world and our community
our hearts overflow with warmth and gratitude
too, our hearts overflow with care
for people we love
for our nation
for the world, the peace of her peoples, the salvation of the earth
for ourselves, intimately connected in the web of all that is
we name now Ashley, who needs care--ours and yours
hold all who wait near your heart.
If you don't know the song, maybe you can still get an idea of why it seemed so appropriate to be praying and singing this song this morning. The last verse says:
There is a place of quiet rest, near to the heart of God;
a place where all is joy and peace, near to the heart of God
O Jesus, blest Redeemer, sent from the heart of God,
hold us who wait before you near to the heart of God.
I find this image of the Light, the heart of God, to be very calming as we wait for tests, for treatments, for answers. Suffering and uncertainty abound, but there is also beauty and love. Let's hold each other in the Light. Amen
Saturday, August 23, 2008
A beautiful Saturday
Thank you God, for Sunny's soccer tournament that got us all out and helped Ashley enjoy the day. Thanks for the coaches, the refs, the fans and the great weather. Help our girls continue to thrive and to feel good about themselves.
Strengthen Ashley as she prepares for a week of treatments. We pray that everything that she tries will work for good and will further her healing. Fill her with hope and strength and peace.
Thank you God for small and big answers to prayer. For people signing up for meals; for a peaceful space at a neighbor's house away from the construction noise; for unexpected gifts and unexpected expressions of love and concern. Bless the giving. Bless Ashley tonight. Give her rest and a good night's sleep. Amen.
Strengthen Ashley as she prepares for a week of treatments. We pray that everything that she tries will work for good and will further her healing. Fill her with hope and strength and peace.
Thank you God for small and big answers to prayer. For people signing up for meals; for a peaceful space at a neighbor's house away from the construction noise; for unexpected gifts and unexpected expressions of love and concern. Bless the giving. Bless Ashley tonight. Give her rest and a good night's sleep. Amen.
Friday, August 22, 2008
I give thanks this morning for the rain and the wet earth and the many birds and squirrels and other animals celebrating outside my window this morning. What a luxury of green! The leaves cover my view and I can't even see the neighbor's house. I feel rich in nature. I wish I could share this with those around the world who struggle in draught-stricken areas. Why is it, God, that we can't share fairly? So many of us would like to give Ashley a little bit of the health we enjoy. This morning, through this prayer, please take our love and our bodies as an offering for Ashley. In this cosmic order which seems more like chaos, I know that love does make a difference. I know that as I think about her and pray for her there is a healing that happens. Maybe this is the best I can do to share. God, make it enough for today. Give Ashley another day of improving health. Bless her with joy. Amen.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Meals for Ashley
Hi all,I spoke with Ashley last night and asked her about folks taking meals to them. She thought it would be a good idea to have a couple of meals brought each week. She is currently eating a vegan diet so it would be best for people to use vegan recipes. Meals that are not too spicy would be best as folks receiving chemotherapy often have a very sensitive stomach and spicy foods can be difficult to handle.A meal calendar has been created and the web link is:http://freecal.brownbearsw.com/OsmentTo use the calendar:Click on the actual date then enter your text message. Click create event. Then click on View calendar in the upper left-hand corner to make sure your text has been added. As you decide on a meal to prepare it may be helpful to add a simple dish description to the meal calendar so that the next people signing up can see what has already been taken to Ash and family.Ashley has found a really good vegan cookbook called (“Veganomicon- the Ultimate Vegan Cookbook” by Isa Chandra Moskowitz and Terry Hope Romero)I found a website that has a lot of the "Veganomicon" recipes.The website is:peppertree.wordpress.com/Many recipes can also be found by searching "vegan recipes".If any of you know of other folks who would like to receive this email, please forward it to them.Questions? Please email Tanya Carter-Reichle at trcarter@med.unc.eduor call 919-417-3651.Thanks,Tanya
It's taken more than an hour to log back on to this blog. Technically impaired as I am, I kept trying to call Cristobal to help me figure it out. I stopped, took a deep breath, and decided I would sit here and try everything I knew and start over each time it failed. I think I finally posted Ashley's note after 9 tries. So, this morning, I thank God for my stubborness, which sometimes helps me overcome my limitations. I know it's annoying, and I ask Ash to forgive me for displaying it so often in trying to be helpful. I pray God will help me know when to be stubborn.
God, creator and friend, thanks for Ash and her extended circle of friends. Bless her today and help her deal with loosing her beautiful new curls. Give her new curls after her chemo is done.
Today, please shrink the tumors some more. Please heal her body enable it to fight the cancer.
If we are going to get rain, make it a refreshing one that blesses Ashley's soul. Thank you for rain and for clean water. Amen
God, creator and friend, thanks for Ash and her extended circle of friends. Bless her today and help her deal with loosing her beautiful new curls. Give her new curls after her chemo is done.
Today, please shrink the tumors some more. Please heal her body enable it to fight the cancer.
If we are going to get rain, make it a refreshing one that blesses Ashley's soul. Thank you for rain and for clean water. Amen
FROM ASHLEY
Much Love
As my hair is falling out, I mourn the loss of my lovely curls. You read all the time how some people with cancer believe their diagnosis was some sort of blessing in disguise. Me, I mostly just liked the new curls. Not much else about this I’d call a blessing.
So many people have brought us food, gifts, cards, haircuts, foot massages, elbow grease, this blog, books and other well wishes. So very many have called, written and emailed. A nutritionist we met with yesterday veered from his field just a little (it was fine) and tried to impress upon me the importance of hope. He suggested a message for me to jot down and put up around the house: “I am deeply, deeply loved.” I don’t need to post this to know it is true.
Much love,Ashley
As my hair is falling out, I mourn the loss of my lovely curls. You read all the time how some people with cancer believe their diagnosis was some sort of blessing in disguise. Me, I mostly just liked the new curls. Not much else about this I’d call a blessing.
So many people have brought us food, gifts, cards, haircuts, foot massages, elbow grease, this blog, books and other well wishes. So very many have called, written and emailed. A nutritionist we met with yesterday veered from his field just a little (it was fine) and tried to impress upon me the importance of hope. He suggested a message for me to jot down and put up around the house: “I am deeply, deeply loved.” I don’t need to post this to know it is true.
Much love,Ashley
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Hola
I thank God for sitting on the porch and eating bean salad. I thank God for sharing stories about our children. I thank God for loving our dogs. I thank God for carpooling to soccer. I thank God for yesterday with Ashley.
Good Morning Ashley!
Well this is my first post to the blog and I hope everyone, and Ashley especially, is having a good morning. What makes me happiest when I get up is the garden, so I'll write about that. We took our lab Murray for a walk through Trinity Park this morning and visited with all the other neighborhood doggies that we see on our romps. It's been a nice cool morning and the grass was still wet from the overnight dew.
I was thinking about Ashley this morning while I picked tomatoes--know how much you and Sunny love garden 'maters. We have a volunteer squash that came out of the compost pile and I still haven't identified. It's not something we've planted ever before. The squash are pale green with white stripes and they taste like butter, so tasty!! There's nothing better than garden surprises. The vines are over 20 feet long now and we're trying to teach them to share and play nice with everything else in the beds. Ashley, I hope you have a chance to look at all the pretty summer flowers blooming around town today. Enjoy the day, we're thinking about you with lots of love.
I was thinking about Ashley this morning while I picked tomatoes--know how much you and Sunny love garden 'maters. We have a volunteer squash that came out of the compost pile and I still haven't identified. It's not something we've planted ever before. The squash are pale green with white stripes and they taste like butter, so tasty!! There's nothing better than garden surprises. The vines are over 20 feet long now and we're trying to teach them to share and play nice with everything else in the beds. Ashley, I hope you have a chance to look at all the pretty summer flowers blooming around town today. Enjoy the day, we're thinking about you with lots of love.
Big Legged Women Unite
It was a joy and privilege to see Ashley, Sunny, and Al this weekend in Asheville. I was so excited to have her in the audience at the Womansong concert...knowing I could sing to her and for her in person. Perhaps she received my message from the stage, pointing directly at her, that "You'll Never Walk Alone". There is one prayer I keep sending to my dear Ashley who sooooo inspires me (and half the Big Legged Women in North Carolina)...and that is that she is not alone. Our love and thoughts go with her everywhere like a sweet blanket to cuddle up into.
There is only one woman I know who can take on the big social injustice bullies of the world, cuss them out under her breath with a few well timed S**T and F**K, and smile that beautiful sweet smile of hers all the while. She's a great kind of woman to be!
Virtual hugs to her all day long ...until I see her again in September.
Althea
There is only one woman I know who can take on the big social injustice bullies of the world, cuss them out under her breath with a few well timed S**T and F**K, and smile that beautiful sweet smile of hers all the while. She's a great kind of woman to be!
Virtual hugs to her all day long ...until I see her again in September.
Althea
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
I've sent emailed invitations to those friends of Ashley who have contacted me or otherwise indicated an interest in posting something on this blog. Anyone who didn't get an invitation can email me and I'll add them to the list. My email is mtpalmer@ncat.edu.
I'me glad other people are posting stuff. Every time I sit down to write, I feel a little hypocritical, because I have to edit or censor my prayers for public viewing. Sometimes I just feel like yelling at God and ranting against the universe, which wouldn't help anyone. So I rant and yell in private and share my finer thoughts online. But it gets burdensome. So, I look forward to having other people's finer thoughts to read and be inspired by, so that together we can laugh, share the most positive feelings and prayers we can, and lift Ashley up. And I also love David Sedaris. Laughter is very healing, and he certainly can make you laugh.
I'm tired and I can only imagine how tired Ashley is, physically and emotionally. I pray tonight for rest for her. God, give her sound, renewing sleep. Bless and heal my friend. Bless her family and her circle of friends. Amen.
I'me glad other people are posting stuff. Every time I sit down to write, I feel a little hypocritical, because I have to edit or censor my prayers for public viewing. Sometimes I just feel like yelling at God and ranting against the universe, which wouldn't help anyone. So I rant and yell in private and share my finer thoughts online. But it gets burdensome. So, I look forward to having other people's finer thoughts to read and be inspired by, so that together we can laugh, share the most positive feelings and prayers we can, and lift Ashley up. And I also love David Sedaris. Laughter is very healing, and he certainly can make you laugh.
I'm tired and I can only imagine how tired Ashley is, physically and emotionally. I pray tonight for rest for her. God, give her sound, renewing sleep. Bless and heal my friend. Bless her family and her circle of friends. Amen.
Funny Stuff for Ashley - 1
Until I come up with something original, I'm posting a link to a Mother Jones interview with David Sedaris. I'm also doing this because I have promoted his latest book to Ashley, and if she is not familiar with his antic mind, this might help either persuade her or remind her that I didn't totally hate Mamma Mia.
I love Ashley.
http://www.motherjones.com/interview/2008/07/interview-truth-or-sedaris.html
I love Ashley.
http://www.motherjones.com/interview/2008/07/interview-truth-or-sedaris.html
Monday, August 18, 2008
Thank you, God, for all the wonderful friends that Ashley has. How she has beautiful people from every walk of life, every shade of belief and unbelief rooting for her and praying for her healing. Bless our small community with perseverance and hope.
Thank you for a good day, for Sunny's joy in soccer practice and the opportunity for Al and Ashley to enjoy just a regular summer day. As Ashley faces more tests tomorrow, I pray for the results to be what is best to allow her treatment to continue in the way that is most healing to her body.
Thank you, God, for Ashley's sense of humor and for her grace towards those of us who insist on praying over her. May her grace and love come back to her multiplied and fill her heart.
Thank you for a good day, for Sunny's joy in soccer practice and the opportunity for Al and Ashley to enjoy just a regular summer day. As Ashley faces more tests tomorrow, I pray for the results to be what is best to allow her treatment to continue in the way that is most healing to her body.
Thank you, God, for Ashley's sense of humor and for her grace towards those of us who insist on praying over her. May her grace and love come back to her multiplied and fill her heart.
-
Ashley Osment said... This blog is slightly horrifying, but for all of you who wonder how I tolerate Maria praying all over me, she's done it for years and I've survived it! (I've probably even said a few prayers for her.)
I do want to thank everyone for their very much-felt presence since the last week of July, when we were hit with the news that I now have ovarian carcinosarcoma that has metastasized to my lungs.
It has been and is anguishing, but there a glimpses of great beauty that I will be sharing on this blog when the muse strikes.
Love, Ashley
I just got a message from my brother Andres, who spent about 8 months in Chapel Hill and became a part of Ashley's extended family. He tried to post a message on this blog but didn't suceed. He asked me to tell Ashley "You are wonderful." He says "es realmente una bella persona, la recuerdo con mucho cariño." (She's truly a beautiful person; I remember her fondly.)
Ash, all the Ungers think you are the best.
Creator, God, on this Monday morning it's hard to face a long week of work when what I really want to do is go help Ashley in whatever way I can. But I know Ashley doesn't need me to be there right now, crowding her and forcing her to spend energy visiting. Help me have patience and to be ready to respond when needed, knowing that my availability is part of what sustains her. Help us, her friends, to find ways to let her know of our love. Give us words of comfort to write to her and wisdom to know when to speak. Help Ashley know what to ask for and whom to ask when she needs help.
Today, please give Ashley energy to accomplish what is most important to her this day. Give her strength, heal her body and give her peace of mind.
I pray for a wonderful soccer practice for Sunny and a good day in court for Al. Bless their home and make it a place of healing and rest. Amen
Ash, all the Ungers think you are the best.
Creator, God, on this Monday morning it's hard to face a long week of work when what I really want to do is go help Ashley in whatever way I can. But I know Ashley doesn't need me to be there right now, crowding her and forcing her to spend energy visiting. Help me have patience and to be ready to respond when needed, knowing that my availability is part of what sustains her. Help us, her friends, to find ways to let her know of our love. Give us words of comfort to write to her and wisdom to know when to speak. Help Ashley know what to ask for and whom to ask when she needs help.
Today, please give Ashley energy to accomplish what is most important to her this day. Give her strength, heal her body and give her peace of mind.
I pray for a wonderful soccer practice for Sunny and a good day in court for Al. Bless their home and make it a place of healing and rest. Amen
Sunday, August 17, 2008
God, please help Ashley sleep peacefully tonight. Give her a good rest and help her wake up refreshed. I ask that while she sleeps you heal her body from the effects of the chemotherapy. Heal her lungs and shrink the tumors.
I pray for Al and Sunny. Help them to create a space for healing for Ashley. Give them wisdom to know how they can be of help and grace even when they are hurting and fearful. Bless their home and fill it with your spirit.
Thank you, God, for Sunny's maturity and wisdom. Thank you that she has a soul wise beyond her years. Thank you for her smarts and her bubbly personality. Thank you that she brings sunshine with her where she goes. Bless her and keep her and hold her in your arms.
I pray tonight in the name of Jesus, who knew pain and suffering and yet promised to comfort us. I pray as I hear the words of the song "He hideth my soul in the cleft of the rock, and covers it there with his hand." I claim that cosmic hiding place, that place where your hand covers and protects us, for Ashley and her family. Amen.
I pray for Al and Sunny. Help them to create a space for healing for Ashley. Give them wisdom to know how they can be of help and grace even when they are hurting and fearful. Bless their home and fill it with your spirit.
Thank you, God, for Sunny's maturity and wisdom. Thank you that she has a soul wise beyond her years. Thank you for her smarts and her bubbly personality. Thank you that she brings sunshine with her where she goes. Bless her and keep her and hold her in your arms.
I pray tonight in the name of Jesus, who knew pain and suffering and yet promised to comfort us. I pray as I hear the words of the song "He hideth my soul in the cleft of the rock, and covers it there with his hand." I claim that cosmic hiding place, that place where your hand covers and protects us, for Ashley and her family. Amen.
Just received this beautiful picture from Allison Yeargin. I love to see Ashley smile because her smile involves her whole face. As does Sunny's.
God, give Ashley lots of occasions for smiles. Help us to appreciate each miracle around us, including our friends' smiles. Thanks that even dogs can smile.
God, give Ashley lots of occasions for smiles. Help us to appreciate each miracle around us, including our friends' smiles. Thanks that even dogs can smile.
Good morning Creator, God, friend,
It's a beautiful Sunday in Chapel Hill and Ashley will be traveling back from Asheville today. I pray for traveling mercies. I pray that the music of the mountains and the singing and playing of her friends will have filled her with gladness. May the days ahead allow her to continue this celebration of music and life. I pray for a way for music to be a part of each day. Help Ashley find a way to express and share her love and talent for music.Thank you for Tim and Matt and Janey and all the rest of Ashley's musical family. I thank you for all the other musicians in her life. Bless them and guide them as they make music for and with Ashley. Let their music bring healing and joy.
Thank you for Ashley, for Al, for Sunny. Bless them and keep them in your love.
Amen.
It's a beautiful Sunday in Chapel Hill and Ashley will be traveling back from Asheville today. I pray for traveling mercies. I pray that the music of the mountains and the singing and playing of her friends will have filled her with gladness. May the days ahead allow her to continue this celebration of music and life. I pray for a way for music to be a part of each day. Help Ashley find a way to express and share her love and talent for music.Thank you for Tim and Matt and Janey and all the rest of Ashley's musical family. I thank you for all the other musicians in her life. Bless them and guide them as they make music for and with Ashley. Let their music bring healing and joy.
Thank you for Ashley, for Al, for Sunny. Bless them and keep them in your love.
Amen.
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Today I'll start posting prayers and meditations for Ashley Osment, my friend and a friend to many other people. I'm inviting all of Ashley's friends to post their own meditations and thoughts so that Ash can check in any time she wants and see a little of all the love that we have for her. It is my hope that this joint prayer that is lifted up in community may help Ashley as she battles and lives with cancer.
I offer today this first prayer:
Spirit of God,
May your healing love surround Ashley and fill her being with every breath. May your strength and power give her protection and a safe hiding place. May she feel, at this very moment, your presence with her.
Creative spirit, bless my friend Ashley, and Sunny and Al, and Luna and even Batman. Give each joy and peace today.
I offer today this first prayer:
Spirit of God,
May your healing love surround Ashley and fill her being with every breath. May your strength and power give her protection and a safe hiding place. May she feel, at this very moment, your presence with her.
Creative spirit, bless my friend Ashley, and Sunny and Al, and Luna and even Batman. Give each joy and peace today.
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Ashley, your comments made me smile. Maria, your prayers are beautifully written and clever and perfect, and this coming from me, a rather agnostic gal at best. What a great idea to make a blog! The pictures are beautiful too. Ashley, I think about you often and wish I had the power to make you feel all better. Thanks, Maria, for this opportunity to share comments and warm wishes and prayers for our Ashley Osment, one of the bad-a**iest chicks I know, one of the funniest, smartest, prettiest (even though that isn't supposed to matter, but it does...), nicest, warmest, half-craziest, creativest, funnest people I know. Ashley, you go girl. You send those cancer cells packing. Love, Janet.
August 18, 2008 6:05 PM