On a wet sunday morning

Yesterday was a gorgeous day, but Ashley spent most of it in the ER at UNC hospital getting tests done to try to figure out the reason behind a fever. Then the fever left and she got to go home. My doubting heart's reaction was: "Are they being wreckless?" "How can they send her home without any answers?"
But then I remembered all our prayers. Wasn't this what we were praying for?
God, we know fear is the enemy of peace and of healing. Take away our fear. Help us relax and accept that we simply don't have all the answers all the time, that we are not in control of this situation. Yet all is well. Our prayers and thoughts and love are all powerful medicine. The kind that brings about unexplained miracles of healing. I pray for Ashley's healing and for strength and faith to believe in it. I pray for pain-free rest as she recovers at home. I thank you for all her friends and family and their healing love. I pray on this Sunday in the name of the great healer who told us not to worry beyond each day. God of creation and of healing and peace, give Ashley a pain-free Sunday of healing, in Jesus name, Amen.

Ashley's wish list

After much pestering, I got Ashley to really share a "to do" list with me so I could get to work. I'm sharing it with everyone who wants to help and show Ashley how much we want her to get better. Already a friend in CA is working on some music, and Caroline is going to take care of the birdfeeders on Sunday. However, here is the complete list:

Ok, here's what I want. It's nuts. You asked.
1. I want help culling and organizing books, the ones we don't want taken away.
2. I want an electrician to fix the wiring that's screwed up so three light switches will work properly.
3. I want a modest tool shed built where a dilapidated gazebo now stands.
4. I want my birdfeeders set up with birdseed in them.
5. I want the drywall repaired and painted or wainscoating put up where the cat has clawed through the drywall.(The cat is now banished from the house.)
6. I want the music of Bread, Joni Mitchell, Cat Stevens, Neil Young, Seals and Croft, Karla Bonoff, Doobie Brothers, Steve Miller Band, Mississipi John Hurt, Don McLean, Michelle Shocked and Cindy Lee Berryhill.
7. I want dozens and dozens of beautiful picture frames of various sizes and I want help hanging the pictures I frame.
8. I want to go far enough South to swim in the ocean with Al.
9. I want the drywall stains fixed on Sunny's ceiling.
10. I want the carpet fixed on Sunny's stairs.
11. I want nice curtains for the downstairs windows.
12. I want a concrete pad poured underneath the basketball goal so I can shoot ball.
13. I want four nice maple barstools and eight nice maple table chairs.
14. I want some hair.

Let's pray hard and get it all done. Maria

Prayer from Carrie Bolton

From Carrie:
"The Lord is good, ALL THE TIME. Sometimes we really do need to look up, don't we? I want you to know that I am praying for Ashley and Al and Sunny. It's such a privilege to know them. It is. I enjoyed the hug Ashley gave me at UNC Hospital. We saw each other, I was going in to be with a niece and she was coming out, and we hugged on the street. It was a beautiful hug."

God, I know you listen to your servant Carrie. Thank you for her powerful prayers and for her love. We ask for a miracle for Ashley like the miracle of healing that Carrie experienced. Thank you for your love. We are, indeed, looking up. Amen

In the face of bad and sad news

Yesterday Ashley got bad news: "The results of the MRI of my spine are absurd. Multiple metastatic lesions are seen throughout the L1-L4 vertebral bodies and S1." [Looking this up online, I gather it is new tumors that can be inside or outside the spine.] Yesterday was a very sad and scary day and we cried and worried. Today Ashley is encouraged. I heard her say, in the same breath "I still don't want to die!" in a half-joking way and "I'm much better." She had joy in her voice on her way out the door to Sunny's game.

Thank you, God, for strength and healing in the face of bad news. Thank you for all the friends and family that encourage Ashley and remind her every day of how much she's loved. Thank you that she is looking forward to fighting this new growths and throwing everything she has against this cancer. Thank you that she is not so sick that she cannot get better, and that life is interesting enough, full enough, joyous enough for her and for us that it is worth fighting for. Give us strength for the journey.

God of creation, we pray for the Palestinians in the West Bank. Bring healing and peace to them. Bring healing to us and make us instruments of your peace.
Amen

Resolve

Thank you, God, for Ashley's resolve to cry no more today. If the tears fall, bring around angels to wipe them and to share a joy, a piece of good news, some good food, some healing love. Heal her pain and calm her fears. We pray for shrinking tumors and small and big miracles. We pray for peace today, in her body and in her soul. Thank you for the love that surrounds her and sustains her.

I pray for wisdom for Ashley and her doctors as they look at medical treatments and all her options. Make a path clear and give her the strength and the resolve to follow it. Give us the strength and wisdom to walk it with her, as we hold her in the light. Amen.

Explaining my lack of updates

I had no idea that there were people still following this blog, but this week I've heard from a few who are worried about the silence. I don't have an excuse. When our dog Reilley died the first week of December, I was really thrown for a loop. That was followed by a very bad cold that had me in bed for almost a week, and then Sofia came down with mononucleosis, which was not diagnosed for a couple of awful weeks in which I thought our family was falling apart. When things get bad, I usually rant at God. I whine and cry and call Ashley, which I did during this time. She was there for me, even helping with Reilley's funeral. I found myself unable to write down my disjointed thoughts and pain. I read and read books about beloved pets and poetry and prayers, but I had nothing to contribute.
I'm now starting to feel a little better, but I cannot help feeling helpless. In the face of Ashley's struggle with chemo, with tumors that grow, with low platelets and horrible blood counts, I can only stand by and fix guacamole. Why can't all the geniuses that can figure out how to get a spaceship to mars figure out how to cure Ashley's cancer? Where is the help we need?

God, please listen to us. To those of us who pray, chant, meditate and cry with Ashley. Heal her in body and spirit. We each pray in the name by which we know you, as I pray in Jesus' name. Amen

Peace and Healing for Ashley

God, I have not been writing, but I need to tonight. You know Ashley is hurting and needs healing. I'm praying for a miracle. A complete miracle that transforms this experience. I'm praying for you to change our lamentations into dancing and our tears into laughter. I can picture the dancing, with fiddles and joyous mountain music. And Janey's kids singing. Please let it be so.
Jesus, you healed people that everyone had given up on. Even those chained outside the gates. Please put your healing hand on Ashley. Heal her and bless her. Amen

Praying for strong blood

God, I wish I could share some of my blood with Ashley. I know so many people that would, no questions asked. It seems so unfair that we can't help make her healthy by giving of our own health. So I'm sitting here, thinking health-giving thoughts. Strong blood. Lot's of healthy white cells to fight infections and protect Ashley. Healing light and warmth traveling through her body, radiating joy and healing and shrinking all that doesn't bring goodness and life.

Thank you, God, for a vision of Ashley in full recovery, healthy and strong. We pray as her friends and family and as your children who share this fragile life on earth with her. We hold Ashley in your light. Amen.

CH News Article, Responses

The article about Ashley's cancer came out today in the CH News. I've been holding my breath, shy about writing my prayers as I worried about what strangers might think about my faith, my motives, etc. Then on Wednesday I called the editor and asked that they take out the references to this blog. I felt that it would be such an invasion of Ashley's privacy, for everybody and anybody to read our prayers. Maybe it was more my own feeling of inadequacy. I hope not. Now, reading some of the emails I've received, I'm not so sure I should have kept this prayer blog private. There is a whole community out there fighting cancer and struggling, and they are doing it with courage and grace and love.
From Illinois I got this email:

Hi Maria,

As the husband of a woman who has worked through two bouts of treatment for
ovarian cancer, I set up a Google search on new treatments for the disease.
Can't say there's been much breakthrough news the last 4 years, but I keep
looking.

Your story on your friend Ashley did show up in my inbox, however. Thanks
for communicating some of the challenges and pain in treating this disease.
I am sorry she is fighting cancer in other areas of her body. We had some
move into the abdominal cavity and treated it with interperitoneal
chemotherapy, which was rough.

Last fall when my wife's cancer returned after a year it was most shocking,
and it cost her emotionally in many ways. But we went after it again. So far
it has not returned. But we hold our breath every appointment.

Obviously we've been changed too. You are right about looking into the
future. It can be tough.

But the present has enough challenges. Here's a little prayer that you can
continue to meet them together.


Christopher L. Cudworth
367 Republic Road
Batavia, IL 60510
Cudworthfix@gmail.com

I've also heard from folks in Durham and Chatham, some know Ashley, some don't. They ALL wish her healing and peace. As the Moravians say, they're holding her in the Light.

God, Thank you for our common humanity and for a glimpse at what is good in people. Thank you for Thanksgiving and the amazing joy that Ashley's family brought to Chapel Hill. Thank you for letting me get acquainted with Laura's beautiful singing and sense of humor and Katie's patience and loving care for her siblings. Thank you for Joe and his beautiful manners and eagerness to help and be useful. Thanks for Keaton and Jesse. Thanks for Sunny and her joy and laughter. Your love was everywhere, God. It filled the space between us and warmed us and blessed our fellowship. Maybe your love was in our fellowship, and that's why we felt your presence. Did you laugh at our jokes and enjoy our music? Thanks for music and laughter.

God, we need a miracle of healing and we're asking for it today. In the name of our love and joy, and in the name of Jesus, our guide and healer, we pray for every cancer cell in Ashley's body to respond to the chemotherapies, past or yet to come. We pray for complete cleansing of Ashley's lungs. Because we love her and we know the world is better for her being in it, we ask boldly. May it be so. Amen.

Prayers from Phoenix, more saints

God, thanks for another birthday. Thanks that I got to celebrate it in a new place in a new way. It made me start with no expectations, so everything was "bonus." Thank you for the mariachis that serenaded me and for the cake my students bought me. Thank you that I can look at my family from a distance and realize how much I love them and miss them and how small the aggravations are. Thank you for the beautiful birthday song Mike sent me and all the work he put into it. Forgive me for first looking at the time of the email and thinking "he should have been sleeping!" instead of "thank you for the love that kept him up." How can I be thankful when I worry so much? When I do this, help me transcend the worry and focus, like Ashley, on breathing and honoring the day.

Thank you God, that Ashley is taking care of herself. Thank you that she is willing to love herself enough to rest, eat the right things, set some boundaries. Help me learn from her to honor the life enough that I treat my body with respect and do everything possible to live each day as a gift.

God, thanks for the gift of the church universal. [I was walking to the hotel yesterday when the noon time bells of a church started ringing. I found myself only a block from my hotel, in the middle of modern, tall buildings, staring at a little adobe church that looked like it had come out of a postcard. I climbed up the steps to find myself in the first Catholic church built in Arizona as people were coming in to mass. All types of downtown folks, from business guys to construction workers.] God, I guess you know there is construction everywhere in this beautiful, sunny city. Please don't let us ruin your creation with sprawl. [It was a regular mass, but the Italian-American priest that sang the mass was celebrating the day of St. Frances Cabrini, the first US saint. She is my birthday saint! And what a woman. She refused to "go home" when the Bishop of NY told her to, and she started 67 institutions, from orphanages to hospitals.] God, you've had amazing women working for justice for many centuries. I can't get over this perfect birthday gift to remind me of strong women across the ages, defying authority and doing good regardless of the support or lack thereof of their superiors.

God, thanks that Ashley is in such good company as she tries to right society's wrongs. Thanks that we are in the company of strong women, saints that have come before and saints that walk with us. Bless them. Bless us. Bless Ashley with a good day of improving health. Restore her strength and give her a day of laughter and joy.

Thank you for Benji and The Laramie Project. Thank you that he has a teacher that cares enough to put on this transformational show. Bless Ashley and Al tonight when they watch it and the whole audience. Move them, move us, to work each day to eradicate hatred from your world.
I pray today in the company of all the strong women who have served you, and in the name of Jesus, our healer, comforter, and strength. Amen.

Leaving for Phoenix

I'm about to leave the office. 17 students are loading the van and my car for our ride to the airport, and my chest is so tight I can hardly breathe. The first time I took a "business trip" after coming to G'boro to work, I was panicked. Ashley, you helped me write my will. I remember Cristobal was going to take care of everyone if something happened to Mike and me. Of course we were fine. But I hate leaving everyone. Ash, take care. I love you. I'll be praying up in the clouds as we travel and even during the long, boring conferences. If we get to the Grand Canyon I'll pray for you to the awesome God that made it.

God, take care of Ash. Take care of my family. Bless each of them and grant them peace and wisdom and love. Let them know I'm thinking of them long-distance. Amen

A prayer in the midst of disappointment

Thank you, God, for the good stuff that has happened today. For Sunny's piano playing and for the noodles we shared on Franklin Street. Thank you that Ashley has so many shoulders to cry on and people who love her and will be praying for her through her newest challenge.

God, after the beautiful Obama win, the bad news of Ashley's tumor growing seems very unfair. Why couldn't we just turn our attention now to helping bring about justice and good?

Help Ashley to have the wisdom she needs to make decisions about her care. We can't know for sure what will work, but help her build on the trust she has for her doctor to come up with the best route. And give us the wisdom we need to support her through this time. Bless Al and Sunny. Amen

Election Day

I'm praying for an Obama landslide. I'm also aware that there are all kinds of people praying for completely different results. I remember when Dukakis was the candidate and Cristobal was a little boy. When the Republicans won, he cried. "How could they not vote for Michael Dukakis? Don't they know he speaks Spanish and he belongs to the ACLU?" he asked. I had to explain to Cristobal that while those were some of the reasons we were voting for him, for many people those were reasons not to vote for Democrats. Then we all cried. We were living in West Virginia, and it was a lonely feeling watching many of our neighbors celebrate, although our music minister made a pastoral visit and confessed to us that he was a "closet democrat."

I believe that there are good and holy prayers and then there is voiced hatred and fear. Probably on both sides. I've caught myself wishing ugly things. Then I ask God to forgive my flights of fantasy and help me to have the wisdom that could help people catch a vision of what this country could become. How close can we come to MLK's dream? To the beloved community?

On the way to work this morning I saw a mother and son (about 10 years old I guess), standing in the rain on MLK Boulevard with Obama signs. I was inspired. I wish Ashley and I and Sunny and Sofia and all our friends were in good enough health and were able to do the same. I'm glad Ashley is working with the Center for Civil Rights today responding to calls. Not bad for a gal past her 12-weeks of life expectancy! Ash, you are also our inspiration.

God, I pray for good news for Ashley. I pray for kindness and civility and for a glimpse at our better selves today at the polls. I pray for many years of continuing to work with Al and Ashley to make our society more just and equal. Bless Ash with strength and health. Amen.

Ashley and San Martin

November 3: Christian feast of St. Martin of Porres (d. 1639), healer and advocate of social equality and inter-ethnic harmony; guide of healers and human rights activists.

Looking at my interfaith prayer calendar, I found this entry for today. I think it's the most beautiful coincidence. St. Martin de Porres is a Peruvian mulato (son of a Spanish nobleman and a former slave from Panama) who was given to a doctor at age 10 by his poor mother. He worked healing the sick and later entered a Dominican monastery where he became a servant in the infirmary. Because of his healing and piety, he was allowed to become a "brother" despite being black (which would have disqualified him)--probably because he was better at healing than any of the white brothers! He was a friend of Sta. Rosa de Lima and part of the whole religious movement that bucked the caste system. St. Martin would bring Indians and slaves into his room and the infirmary, and when he was forbidden to do so, he established a hospital and an orphanage. All with lots of humility and with such amazing results that his administrators and superiors had to go along...at least pretending that they were supporting him.

Although the people of Lima started trying to get Rome to declare him a saint (with all the requisite proofs), it took over two hundred years for the Vatican to budge. It was not until 1962 that he was declared a saint. What perseverance!

I'm not sure what the lesson is here. Maybe that for justice and racial harmony to win it takes a long time? Actually, I'd rather think that this coincidence is a reminder that we are all linked. That there is a "great cloud of witnesses" that is praying with us and that Ashley's healing is part of the ongoing struggle for wholeness in our broken world. AND, of course, a reminder that it is good and fitting that on Nov. 3 we are all praying (like San Martin) for healing and human rights in Ashley's life.

Thank you, God, for this little miracle. Heal Ashley. Bless Barack Obama. Bless us as we pray.
Amen

Prayer for healing

Dear God, Creator, Sustainer, Spirit of Comfort and Spirit of Beauty and Truth,
Thank you for the weekend, especially for Ashley's garden and Caroline's Halloween party. It is good to see folks just having silly fun. It was good to see Ashley and Al and Sunny laughing and visiting and just enjoying another day of life. Thanks for Caroline's creativity and Jamie's enthusiasm and their willingness to include some of us old, old, old friends in their celebration. Even though we're always late and seldom have a costume. Thank you that they don't hold us to their standard...or any standard, for that matter.

Thank you, God, for the healing that has taken place so far. Ipray for more good news. Please cleanse Ashley of the tumors and restore her to health. I see the perfection of creation, from the smallest plants to the incredible sky, and know that anything is possible. I trust in the power of love, our love and yours. Fill our lives with love and joy today, and help us to have so much that it overflows and heals us...and each other. Give Ashley continued hope; help her to feel the love that is coming from all the people who know her.

God, I pray for Emmett. Heal him from his broken arm. Give both Emmett and Ashley renewed strength today.

As I pray, I am thinking about St. Francis, who brought healing to his community. It seems appropriate to think of him when thinking about Ashley and the work she does, fighting for "the least of these." I pray that Ashley's health will allow her to continue working with those marginalized and treated unjustly in our society. God, give her strength, health, hope and joy. I pray in the name of your Jesus, healer and life-giver. Amen.

God Almighty,
Thank you for the sunshine. It's cold, but it's beautiful. Keep Ashley warm. Help her to eat enough and to get over her cold and her chemo cough.
Thank you for the beautiful garden that is taking shape at her place. Thank you that some of our friends are such gifted gardeners. It takes a lot of love or talent or both to create a garden. I think both, because as much as I would have loved to help, I knew it was better not to try. But thank you that she can enjoy the gifts of great gardeners and great friends. Thank you that Ashley's plants are prospering. Bless the new ones that are coming for the new garden, and help them prosper in the new soil.
Help us all prosper in the soil of uncertainty, fear, and confusion. Help us find nurturing soil that allows us to grow strong roots. Bless Ashley and Al and Sunny, that they may feel the sun's warmth and the warmth or the love and care of their friends.
Amen

FROM ASHLEY

This evening I was lying with acupuncture needles in my legs and arms,nodding off and blissed out. Most every day there's some pleasure -- often several pleasures -- waiting for me. Food, music, books, photo albums, scrapbooks, computer assistance, acupuncture, emails, cards, meditation help, massage, parties, gardens, phone calls, a clean house, the assurance of medical care, a great job to go to -- gift after gift after gift.

I am trained on keeping life positive -- truly working hard at it. But my load is so much less than it could be. There seems to be no end to the love other people keep putting in my sails. The simple truth but total miracle is that I am genuinely having a lot of fun most every day.
So thanks.

Answered Prayers

I wasn't going to post what I wrote on Sunday, but reading what Ashley sent me last night (next post) I decided it was worth sharing. It is just such a beautiful example of answered prayer. I basically asked God to help me get an attitude adjustment. I was willing (trying) to listen, to slow down, to be thankful for life), so that I could keep praying and loving my family and friends. Ashley is part of both groups. And then I realized that Ashley has discovered that secret and is living with joy. She takes the bad with the good and focuses each minute on the good. And I can be part (when I do have the attitude and faith) to be part of the good. Thank you, God.

The most fun I had this week is crashing Ashley's house with Sofia and doing the dishes. Sofi was really worried that we would "get caught." But of course we did, because we left behind a jacket, chicha, etc. My daughter, who NEVER gets excited about doing ANY housework whatsoever, was excited and helpful, sneaking in to do a good deed. I think Ashley has unleashed a powerful force for good out on the community. It's transforming people. I'm praying it will even work its magic on the elections.

Well, God, I'm running to do a presentation in Raleigh. Give me kind words to speak to the teachers there. I pray for safety on the road. No more exciting rescues, please. Please let mechanics have enough work without me today. Help Ashley have a great, joyful, feel-good day. Bless Sunny and Al and Luna. Love, Maria

Praying for the long view (drafted last week)

It's been several days of not writing. To be honest, it's been several days of being angry and frustrated and having conversations with God that are not fit for this blog. I've realized that feeling sorry for myself is not conducive to being productive and really results in worse problems. The problem is turning myself around is difficult. How does one muster the gumption to stay positive when everything seems to be going wrong? Worse, when I seem to be doing things wrong and the problems are mostly of my making?
I have a student that tells me he is in college thanks to the fact his mother didn't speak English. He had to interpret for an elementary teacher and try to explain to his mother that he was way behind, couldn't understand what was going on, and ought to be tested in case he was mentally retarded. He didn't tell his mother any of that and instead decided to prove to the teacher he was not dumb. He worked twice as hard as the other kids--he still does. But he's about to finish his engineering degree. I thought of this student after hearing Baldemar Velazquez (FLOC organizer and minister) preach at the Black/Brown conference last week. He said he turned his life around after a football game. He had scored 4 touchdowns and helped win the game, but the blond and handsome quarterback told him after the game: "You may be fast and you may be able to score, but you are still a dumb Mexican." He said that after that he never got anything below a B again.

Yet all I feel right now is discouraged. Sick (mostly from not eating right and living right like Ashley), and sad. So, having exhausted my "self-pity" mode, I'm going to pray like I'm supposed to, trusting that this discipline of prayer will become the feelings of thanksgiving and love and peace that I know I could be experiencing right now--if I look at things differently. All I have to do is think about Ashley and life, and keep praying.

God, Creator, thanks that when my car broke down in the middle of I-40, going 70 miles per hour, nothing bad happened. Thank you that I was able to coast safely and get help. Thanks for roadside assistance. Thanks for mechanics. And thanks that my bad day gave somebody work and income.
Thank you God for all the work of this week. Thanks for the work that pays and the work that you have called me to do outside of this. For the privilege of being a bridge-builder. Thanks for the NAACP and its convention this week. Thanks for A&T and Homecoming. And forgive me for not being wiser, when your wisdom is available and all I have to do is listen.

I pray for Ashley right now. Help the vitamin C have a positive effect on her cells and help her win this invisible fight. Bless her as she faces another day of chemo and another week of the side effects. May she be strengthened by the love around her and the many people thinking and praying for her. Give her peace and rest and help her remember all the good things that life has to offer as her mind wonders and deals with the pain or discomfort. BLess her with beauty and joy in the middle of it all. BLess Al and Sunny and her whole extended family. Give Tim culinary inspiration and Barbara health that they may enjoy the best Thanksgiving yet. Amen.

Praying for good news

Ashley is starting another month of vitamin C treatments. This is possible because of the number of people who have sent contributions to help pay for the expensive first round of Vitamin C. It's cumbersome (2 hours a day, six days per week hooked up to the i.v.), and expensive; but Ashley and Al attribute some of the improvement--we don't know how much--to this treatment. Her doctor offered the option of continuing, and they decided to go ahead. If there is any chance of continuing the positive effects, then they're going to go for broke. We'll know with the next scan how well it's working. I have faith that all the prayers and hard work Ashley is doing and positive karma and good thoughts from lapsed Presbyterians are all contributing to her healing.

Today Ashley told me we'll find out on the same day 1) how her tumors are responding and2) whether Barack Obama won the elections. Nov. 4 is going to be one big day of celebration. So, I'm going to start praying for and "claiming" the good news right now. On both fronts.
God, we need good news. The world cannot afford more war, I started to watch a documentary today, in preparation for a screening we're having at A&T, and I lasted 10 minutes. It made me sick to think of all the people who are in need of food, clean water, medicine... I wonder how you feel, Creator Spirit. We pray for our children, but they are ALL your children. And it's also your children who are profiting from war. Or are they? Jesus said, "Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called children of God." I guess we cannot call warmongers your children. Please help us elect peace.

I also ask for Ashley's health. Cleanse her lungs and strengthen her immune system. Give her body the strength it needs to fight the cancer. Make the tumors disappear. Give her rest and a good night's sleep.

Bless Sunny and Al and fill their home with grace and love. Thanks for Al and his work this week with the NAACP. Thanks for Rev. Barber and his prophetic voice. Bless him with improved health. Order his steps that he may find a path to healing and continue to serve you. Grant that he and Ashley may see immigration reform come to pass under an Obama administration. We pray for all these miracles-- miracles of personal and social healing. In faith we ask. Amen.